Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Oh jeepers, there are so many I feel.
The things I fear include
- the dentist (eek dread it every single time for pretty much my entire life. I sit there and dig my nails in when the hygienist cleans my teeth)
- losing someone I love
- dying in some horrible way like drowning or being shot
- sinking back into depression
- seeing someone vomit (yup I have a big issue with vomit lol)
I would say those are most of the biggies. Some of them are probably truly insignificant in light of other things facing us in this world today. Am I afraid of losing my job? of not being able to move out on our own before the wedding? that getting married in this economy is crazy? Yes all of the above but I also know that God will provide, no matter what. He loves me and whether I understand His ways or not, they will bring me peace in the end.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
I am trying to not put too much pressure on myself for this job but we need it and I want it. I am nervous and scared beyond belief. This time it feels right, like I am not faking knowing things that I don't necessarily. That there is actually a shot in hell (pardon my French) of my getting this job and a big, welcome change coming into Matt and I's life. For us to live comfortably on our own, maybe not extravagantly but to get by and do it together on our own. To have a 40 hour a week job that will probably exhaust me but allow me to feel accomplished and like I am moving somewhere and not stuck in retail for the rest of my life. I am blessed in so many ways, with wonderful family, friends, the best future husband a girl could ask for, food, shelter, clothing and many many more that I forget to thank God for on a regular basis.
This economy has torn apart my self esteem and made me feel worthless and almost stupid. My feelings may be irrational but they are mine and I own up to them. I learned when I went through therapy never to feel stupid for what you feel, God has a purpose for those feelings. But keeping them bottled up inside, tears you apart. For the last year, I have probably cried at least once a week because I felt worthless and hopeless. It helped and felt therapeutic. I know there are those who suffer far worse than I and struggle with problems far beyond my petty problems and I try to remember those people in my prayers. But my problems are still problems that need to be dealt with before I explode or act them out on someone who doesn't deserve it as I have in the past.
I think I am starting to ramble, feeling sleepy. Need to rest and prepare for interview more tomorrow.......*sigh*
Friday, August 19, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I open my devotional that I have been meaning to start a couple of days ago and storms are the first topic. It blew me away. I needed this verse. It is so easy to forget that God is everything and has provided me with everything I have ever needed. To become so wrapped up in what I want and think that I need at this very moment. I have spent much of my time since I began to believe, trying to wrap my head around that and I still struggle every single day. I have plans and think that God should just answer my prayers so that the pain and confusion and just everything can be so much better. Not so....God has this plan which is what people always say but I have seen it. God has used so many things in my life to pull me back or show me something that wasn't clear. The last couple of days I have been in a funk and I can't get out of it. I want to stay in bed, sleep until things get better. Another thing that doesn't work, in order for God to do something, I have to do something.
The will to keep going, keep applying, keep hope, keep faith is so hard to hang on to. I keep losing my grip. Depending on things to just fall into place instead of helping them to get there. I miss the routine that high school and college gave me. I feel like I am wandering, to places I don't want to go back to again. I want to walk with purpose in a direction but really, honestly can not figure out that direction. Some days I just break down and cry, more often now than in the past. Matt and I are getting married in 10 months and I have no idea what we are going to do. Living with my parents is not an option after the marriage, that has pretty much been made clear. Not that I would really want to, at least not for too long, the stress of living here is another thing weighing me down. I want to have hope and faith and know beyond a reasonable doubt that God is moving me towards the greater good here, and somewhere buried inside I do know that. Forgetting has become far too easy. I am not grounded enough in my faith and have known this for quite some time. I need to get back to doing devotionals and reading the Bible, to being proactive about a job, finances, my faith, my relationships even.
After struggling through a couple bouts of depression, I have become familiar with the signs and this feels all too familar even though the cirumstances are completely changed. I have not let a relationship ruin my emotional health, instead I have a relationship that keeps me above the water, someone to hug me, hold me, listen to me babble even though he does not quite understand at all times, he tries and for that I can never thank him enough. I can never thank him enough for saving me. He was there at the perfect moment, hence I know God has a plan. My heart had to shatter so that God, friends, family, faith, hope, and the love of my life could help put it back together and put things in perspective for me. I have not been through the trauma that some have had to experience but the emotional and mental roller coaster I was on for a long time, not too long ago, took its toll. I feel myself slipping back into the black, I am holding on but not for dear life, only enough to stay above water as I said before. I don't know how to convey these feelings to others when most of it is my doing.
I am the one who has not taken life by the reins but instead let it steadily pass by me, floating on contentment which is slightly underlied by disappointment, sadness, and a basic feeling of loss that I can not shake. The words of "Fly Away" by Sugarland came on as I began this and the words resonate so deeply with me as they did a few years ago.
And if I promise you that I'll be back someday,
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
My tastes in movies vary far and wide. At one end there is my love of football movies and the other is my love for movies that give you a good cry. And I like a little bit of everything in between.
Some of my favorite football movies are Remember the Titans, Friday Night Lights, Rudy, The Blind Side and The Longest Yard. I also have a love for Disney movies especially Beauty and the Beast, all 3 of the Aladdin movies, The Lion King and Hercules. Meet the Robinsons is another great movie. Some of my favorite chick flicks are 27 Dresses, Made of Honor, both of the Sex and the City movies, The Women, Dirty Dancing, and many more.
I also have a list of go to movies for crying.....sad but true lol. A Walk to Remember makes me cry everytime. Others include Terms of Endearment, Titanic, Steel Magnolias, and my newest favorite Fireproof.
I also have to mention Harry Potter, all 7 of them, help to give life to the amazing books. And there are a couple action movies that have caught my attention including Law Abiding Citizen, The Conspirator, Gone in 60 Seconds....and a few more which I am too sleepy to come up with.
There are so many good movies out there, I feel there is no way to narrow it down, this list is in no way complete and someday I may have to render that injustice but for now the pillow calls my name....
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
That's all I really had to say at this point...just wanted to rant to the internet universe...
Friday, May 13, 2011
The story of my first love is a long and sordid story. I have only really dated 3 people in my life. My high school boyfriend, Mark, who, looking back I only really ever loved as a friend. I never truly fell in love until Dylan. It was a love that lasted almost 5 years even though we were truly only together a short amount of that time. But I loved him that whole time even though I tried to deny it to myself. I met Dylan when I was 16 and he was dating one of my best friends. Though their relationship lasted only a short time, our friendship grew stronger and I wasn't willing to give it up even when they split. My friend believed I should cut all ties with him as their relationship had ended badly but I couldn't bare to lose someone who had become so close to me. I made a decision that my friend did not agree with and was very angry over for a long time but looking back I wouldn't change it, he became one of my best friends. I could tell him anything without judegement. As we became closer, things started to turn to the physical though we never made our relationship official, we were just fooling around. It was during this time I believe I fell in love with him. I wanted to be with him all the time which was difficult because we lived a half hour apart. I defied my parents numerous times in order to spend time with him and even started lying to my friends so they wouldn't judge me. I made decisions that now I do regret, I allowed myself to be used for my body and let Dylan take advantage of me. The thing I haven't mentioned yet is that Dylan was trouble. He was into drinking, smoking, pot, and like I said he took advantage of me. Deep down I knew he was but by this time my love had blinded me and I looked at it as helping him. He had a troubled home life with a drinking dad and a mom he didn't really get along with which much later I would come to find out was for good reason as all he ever did was ask her for things.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Hope for Today is mostly a reminder to myself that hope doesn't have to always stem into future hopes but that every day it is important to wake up and have hope that God's plan for that day will come to fruition. I can't just wait around for my life to happen but need to have hope that today something will happen that could possibly change the course of my life here on earth.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3: Your first love
Day 4: Your parents
Day 5: A song to match your mood
Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7: Favorite movies
Day 8: A place you've traveled to
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend
Day 10: Something you're afraid of
Day 11: Favorite tv shows
Day 12: Something you don't leave the house without
Day 13: Goals
Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?
Day 15: Bible verse
Day 16: Dream house
Day 17: Something you're looking forward to
Day 18: Favorite Place to Eat
Day 19: Something you miss
Day 20: Nicknames
Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself ALL TIME Why?
Day 22: What's in your purse?
Day 23: Favorite Movie
Day 24: Something you've learned
Day 25: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26: Your Dream Wedding (I might change this too My Wedding Day)
Day 27: Original Photo of the city you live in
Day 28: Something that stresses you out
Day 29: 3 Wishes
Day 30: a picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge
Monday, April 25, 2011
and all you hear is you're not worth anything
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, you're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
I am God's creation, made in His image. He has a plan for me and as Jess always reminds me, this is the way He is choosing to shape my life and Matt's life for that matter. We have to believe that this difficulty is part of the plan and God's way of continuing to shape me. There are days when I question, like last Thursday when Matt lost his job. I kept saying to Matt "What did we do to deserve this?" and I know that is an unfair question because most people suffering in this economy and around the world do not deserve it. But in my anger I said it. Looking back I feel ashamed of that girl but I was frustrated and know that God forgives me for questioning His will. I will continue to try and follow His will even when I don't fully understand it.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Towards the end of high school, all I could think about was college and how amazing it was going to be. Being totally on my own and making new friends and not having to go to school all day every day. There were so many things to look forward to. College came and it was scary and hard and not at all exciting. I discovered that spending so much time in school was what had allowed me to make friendships that lasted a lifetime, in college things aren't like that. You have to start to work to keep friendships and relationships in general. I spent the first few years of college in love with a man who didn't love me back, there was no college romance for me, just heartache and pain and as a man continuously broke my heart and I allowed him to do it. College was not all happy go lucky as I had imagined, it was hard work and lots of stress. Dealing with roommates, classes, finances, and on top of all that finding time for friends and making friends. I came out of college with a few good friends and a degree that so far has gotten me nowhere, more on that later though. The four years I spent in college were probably the hardest, happiest, craziest, most emotional and most life changing so far in my life. I learned to let go. I learned to hold on when its worth it. I learned that God is always there, whether you mess up or not, He will not leave you. There were many points in my college career when I wanted to crawl in bed and give up, emotionally, mentally and physically but I kept going. My faith wavered and then grew strong. God saw me through this time of self doubt, loneliness, depression and also the happiness which mostly came as a light at the end of the tunnel in my last year of college.
Throughout college my greatest hope was to graduate and have a great job lined up and be able to be out on my own within the following year. This want intensified when I met and fell in love with Matt, my fiance. Then suddenly there was white dresses, receptions and engagement photos on my mind along with total independence from my parents. Here I am ten months later, still living at home, working a part time job as a cashier with my fiance just back to work. We are broke and live with my parents. The best laid plans do not always work out, as has been evidenced by my whole life thus far. Looking to the future has constantly let me down and caused me more heartache then I care to think about. And as I sit here writing this, I wonder why? Why have I done this to myself? God has placed me where I am at this very moment and for His purpose. I should trust that but my head cries out that I shouldn't. That I should worry and fret about every little thing. I so desperately want to let go of these feelings, to trust that God has a plan and everything will come to frutition. Our June 23, 2o12 wedding date is one of the things that scares me most even though I feel in my heart it is right. The economy should not dictate my life. I want to marry the man I love and start a family and don't want to wait around for things to be perfect to do that. And yet it costs money to have a wedding, not that I want anything all that lavish, but things add up. I know this wedding is in God's plans because I feel it when I pray about my anxiety, He tells me to continue forward with plans even though there are those that would say I am crazy.
I know that I am beginning to rant and ramble and that is probably a sign I should stop writing lol. These are just a few things that have been on my mind for a few days now and I felt I should let them out. Even if just for me........
Friday, March 18, 2011
Wedding planning has also come to sort of a standstill. The date is set, June 23, 2o12 and we have the chapel reserved but waiting on reserving the hall for money reasons. Wedding dress shopping is fun but I just get overwhelmed too easily I think, so much to consider and there are so many options. Haven't had that "this is the one" moment I hear so much about but there are some dresses I feel very special in lol.
Well I suppose I should try and sleep, getting sleepy writing this and feel like I am kind of rambling......miss being cuddled as I fall asleep for sure :(
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I graduated college in May and here I am still working a part time job at basically minimum wage. There are days I feel like a failure and days I feel I am doing the best I can in an economy that is kind to almost no one. I want to hold on to hope every second of every day but it is so hard. My fiance and I currently live with my parents and it is definitely a strain on our relationship but we have no choice. He just started a job so hopefully soon things will start to turn around. My last two checks were just enough to pay bills that were due which I look at as a blessing but still, it hurts. Without the support of my fiance and my friends, I don't know that I wouldn't slip right back into the depression that engulfed my life two years ago.
There have been times in my life that were a struggle I thought would never end and as I continue to write this blog, I may share more about the things that have shaped me into the woman I am today. I hold fast to faith, family, friends and the love of my life to overcome and move through things that at one time would have broken me in two.
Time marches on and we must move with it, letting go is one of the hardest lessons I had to learn in my struggles and still must continue to learn. I know this is a lot of rambling but that is how my life is these days, a jumble.
More to come