Days will come when you don't have the strength
and all you hear is you're not worth anything
Everytime this song ("Beautiful" by MercyMe) comes on the radio, it is at that exact point when I need it. I know God is trying to tell me something, especially when I heard it on Thursday after hearing the news of my fiance being let go from his job. I knew the next day would be the kind of day when I wouldn't have the strength to get out of bed unless God pulled me through. I was so utterly devastated, I cried until I couldn't anymore. I understand this is not a real tragedy and that so many others are in a worse position than Matt and I. We have a place to live and food to eat and parents who are there to help us financially bear the burden of this blow. I just felt so overcome with everything weighing on my shoulders that I didn't know what to do but cry and feel everything that I have been trying to avoid. How will we get married with this loss? How will we ever have our own place? How will we pay my student loan payment next month? How will we afford the car insurance we had just purchased that day? It took reminders from my fiance, my parents, my friends, and mostly God that He has brought me through similar situations before. And He will provide again. Keeping the faith and hope alive is the tough part when everything is screaming at you that you are not good enough, you have to hold your head up and keep going on because the song goes on to say
You're beautiful, you're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, you're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful
I am God's creation, made in His image. He has a plan for me and as Jess always reminds me, this is the way He is choosing to shape my life and Matt's life for that matter. We have to believe that this difficulty is part of the plan and God's way of continuing to shape me. There are days when I question, like last Thursday when Matt lost his job. I kept saying to Matt "What did we do to deserve this?" and I know that is an unfair question because most people suffering in this economy and around the world do not deserve it. But in my anger I said it. Looking back I feel ashamed of that girl but I was frustrated and know that God forgives me for questioning His will. I will continue to try and follow His will even when I don't fully understand it.
