Friday, August 15, 2014

Dear Son

To Our Son,

As I sit here 26 weeks pregnant, feeling you squirm and wiggle and even do acrobatics sometimes I swear, I can't imagine that in October you will be here and we will hold you in our arms. Mommy and Daddy already love you more than you could ever possibly imagine. Over the weekend, Daddy felt you move for the first time and the look on his face is one that I will never forget. You see, your daddy already has a little boy in heaven, your little brother who was taken from this world far to soon and his heart aches with that pain every day. And now that you are coming into this world, he sees it as another chance, a new beginning. You can't replace your little brother but you can start to fill that empty spot in Daddy's heart, just as you are filling a hole in my life that I never knew I had until I saw that positive pregnancy test. This feeling of pure joy, unlike any I had ever experienced before, washed over me in that moment and later in the day when I told Daddy about your existence. All we could do was laugh and cry and hug each other in that moment. Now I spend many days thinking about how much will change when you actually arrive. You are the greatest gift we have ever received and I want you to know some things:

  • That you are loved, have been loved since the day you started growing inside of me, and will be loved by us your whole life no matter what.
  • That Mom and Dad will make mistakes, we are not perfect
  • That life is not fair and sometimes things will be hard
  • That Jesus, God's own son, died for your sins and is our Savior.
  • That sometimes things in this world do not make sense and all you can do is pray that God is at work in a larger way than we could ever imagine
This is just the beginning of a long list that keeps growing in my head. I mean to write them down but sometimes they float away before I can put them in just the right words. I think above everything else I just want you to be happy, to know God, and to know that you are loved unconditionally. 


I wanted to put this in writing because I thought the words would be easier to find if I was able to think them through first but that doesn't seem to be the case as I sit here still writing this letter 6 weeks later. Mommy has never been that great with words but writing always seemed to help with that problem until I became pregnant with you, now words mostly escape me. I am just in awe that Daddy and I made you and that you are growing and developing inside of me. I thank God every time I feel you move and still don't feel like I am being grateful enough. I think words aren't enough. I hope that when I meet you face to face for the first time and hold you close, you will instinctively know how much I love you. And that as you grow up that love will never change. As the weeks pass, faster and faster it seems, and we get closer to when you will make your entrance into the world I become more anxious and scared but excitement is starting to be the prominent emotion. I teared up this morning on my drive to work just thinking about meeting you and seeing you with Daddy for the first time. It just brings a joy to my heart that really can't be put into words. 

I can't wait to meet you. God has blessed us by making us your parents. We get to raise you and watch you grow and help you along the way. I feel privileged to have been chosen by God to be your mom. And I only hope that you will be able to see that as your grow up even when you may not agree or like the way that I am parenting. 

There is so much I want to say but am still struggling to find the words. Just know that no matter what happens, we will always be here for you, loving you and praying for you.

Mom and Dad