Tomorrow is the beginning of October, one week from my due date. I sit here, still pregnant, still waiting. We have spent weeks preparing for the arrival of our son and now it seems that the to do list has grown smaller and our house more prepared (though I am sure not totally prepared as we never can be for new adventures). The car seat is in the car, our bags our in the car, just waiting for when Logan Dale decides to make his entrance into this world. This hurry up and wait as I have deemed it is kind of not so much for me. At my doctor's appointment last week I was 2 cm dilated, the week before I was 1 cm dilated and I really kind of thought this show would get on the road before my next appointment which is today and the show has yet to begin. Contractions on and off but nothing at any regular interval or even lasting for the same amount of time. I am still so anxious and nervous about being a mom but trying to give those worries up to God.
And here I sit one day before my due date still waiting.....wondering if this means my son will be as stubborn as I am and what that means for the future (if he is anything like me, Matt and I are in for a heck of an eighteen years). Each day that passes brings more anxiety (when is the last time he moved? was that a contraction? why did getting up from the couch hurt like that? and on and on and on). Though I feel that I have gotten better about saying a prayer over these things and moving on with my day. Everyone says he just isn't quite ready yet and maybe that is the truth. Maybe he will surprise us all and labor will start on its own but I feel that I should also mentally and spiritually prepare myself for induction.
Now we are one day after my due date. This is pretty much how I am processing things lately, in pieces and slowly. I have meant to come back and finish up my thoughts twice now and just haven't found those words. Maybe it is because I have gotten out of the habit of writing on a regular basis. As a teenager, words poured from my writing utensil to the page or from my fingertips to the screen. Yeah maybe a lot of it was hormones or crazy teenage angst or something but still the words flowed and I could express myself what seemed to be easily. As I have gotten older and my journaling has trickled to a slow flow, finding the right words (or really any words) has become difficult. I guess that could be chalked up to more complicated problems and situations and therefore emotions but something tells me that what I was once passionate about has fallen down my list of priorities. Writing has fallen down the list behind dishes, laundry, taking care of pets, cleaning, working, errand running, watching Netflix endlessly....you get the picture. And when I start to think about priorities I also realize my relationship with God has fallen towards the bottom as well. I haven't been to bible study in about a month and haven't even done the study which I told myself I would. I still lean on prayer but that isn't really enough. Especially when I am anytime now to be responsible for raising a child in this crazy mixed up world. I want him to know the true love of God before 15, not just as an abstract idea like me. I want him to be raised in a household that loves God and shows it in whatever we do. Matt wants this too but when I think about what that really means and what that means we should change, it can be hard to let go of those habits in our everyday lives. To lay down our lives and take up our cross and show our son what this means.
I feel like I have started rambling and gone off on a tangent which was not the intent when I started this post. But maybe I needed to remind myself of some of these things. That I need to spend time reevaluating my priorities from time to time because I am not the best at reminding myself what is important when I am tired and/or busy. The hurry up and wait can apply to getting ready for a big life event but I think it can even apply in every day life. We hurry up to get so much stuff done but how much of it is the important stuff?