Unemployment has been both good and bad. I have loved having free time, making my own schedule. But I have hated feeling useless and ineffective. I was offered a job last week. No more contracts or lack of benefits. A full time position with benefits!!! I am beyond elated and feel so utterly blessed. I have worked for this for 7 years. Through college and job hunting and interview after interview and my contract work, this is what I have waited and worked for and it has paid off. It is such a feeling of accomplishment to receive this job offer. I am set to start on Monday, working 9-5. Looking forward to following a schedule again but definitely going to miss my free time. I am trying to get some stuff I have been meaning to do around the house done this week.
Getting to the title of the post. Today I looked around and realized, what I am doing with all this stuff that just sits collecting dust, for when I someday need it? I do not want or need this clutter. So I am making a conscience effort to reduce it. I have been holding on to some reference books from college/high school and most of that information is available on the internet, so why keep them? It isn't like I write research papers on a regular basis anymore. They have served their purpose for me, time to move on. Also I have a decent supply of scrapbook supplies, namely paper, stickers and other various items but I have not dedicated quality time to scrapbooking for quite a while. I want to find people who can use what I don't have time for right now. I am going to keep some things, like my Cricut and a few other supplies for small projects but I don't want them sitting around my house making me feel bad for not dedicating more time to something that isn't a priority in my life right now and doesn't need to be. So I am currently exploring options for new homes for some of those things. I also need to go through my clothes and our spare room/storage area to see what we don't need.
I think another place this comes into play, meaning the whole idea of clearing up space and moving forward is when it comes to starting our family. I want to bring a child into a happy, healthy, uncluttered home with room for him/her to grow. I want to stop filling my life with stuff, I don't need it. I have been trying to get back to devotions and reading scripture and filling my life with more of that. Church has not been a huge priority for Matt and I either, but our faith never waivers. We need to be more proactive though, I want my children to grow up knowing Jesus, really knowing him so they can spread the gospel instead of wandering as I did. Though I know that was part of my journey and wouldn't be who I am today without things happening in my life as they did. Because my job offers benefits and more stability than we have felt for most of our relationship, talk has turned to babies again. I am going in for my annual physical in May and will be talking to the doctor about my health and if there is anything to be concerned about if we want to start trying. I do want to lose some weight because I know that will be a concern and want what is best for a baby but in order to do that I need to do better for myself.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
"It was a long time before I realized that you don't have to start right, you just have to start. Put pen to paper, allow yourself the freedom to write badly, to get it wrong, stop looking over your own shoulder." -Abigail Thomas, A Three Dog Life
I just finished reading this book and though I didn't really enjoy it all that much, this quote struck me for some reason. Maybe because lately I have been really missing writing and journaling. In high school I remember writing constantly as a way to just say the things I didn't feel comfortable talking about with other people mostly. And it really helped me get through some tough times in my life (well actually what I viewed as tough times but what amounted to overblown teenage drama and hormones lol). I have a whole trapper keeper full of poetry and things I wrote and a couple more journals on top of that. It isn't a definitive chronicle but it paints a pretty clear picture of who I was at that time. These days what I write doesn't paint that clear of a picture. Between this blog and a couple snippets of writings I mostly seem like a woman too wrapped up in herself to really see the big picture. To see that I have not made enough time for people in my life. Not even enough time for my husband. We try to spend time together but normally we wind up wrapped in our own little world. One of us watching TV and the other on the computer or tablet or wrapped up in some other task (coupons, video game etc). That isn't quality time, it is just time passing. I find myself spending most of my day staring at a computer screen either looking for a job, figuring out the financial situation or doing other mindless tasks and I turn around and Matt is home and I don't know what happened to the day. Sad.
I have a job interview tomorrow and I am really hoping it goes well so my days can go back to having a rhythm and what felt like a purpose though I will miss the option of planning my own day, my way. I can not depend on something to change if I stay the same. Even if I don't get this job, or I do or whatever happens, my attitude needs to change. I guess I really just don't know where to start. I have been reading and reading and reading lately. At least for me it would be considered that. I have read 5 books this year which may not seem like a lot but seeing in 2012 I read about 4 total by December (and had only read 1 by October!) that is pretty awesome. I finished A Three Dog Life and started Waiter Rant by Steve Dublanica which so far has made me feel not so alone. The man who wrote it had 3 jobs before he was 30 and then ended up being a waiter with a college education and felt completely disheartened by the entire corporate system. You can read a full review from Goodreads (which is AWESOME if you love to read) if you follow the link, the same for Three Dog Life. But there are just times when having a college education seems useless or pointless because of all the political corporate crap and that is kind of how this guy felt, not exactly but sort of. I guess what I really want is connection. Connection to something outside of myself that gives me hope and I am trying to find that in a book.
Also writing makes me feel like my thoughts make sense even though I feel that this post is losing its point lol.