Sunday, September 1, 2013

The Growing Pains Continue

No, I'm not referring to traditional growing pains that you experience as a child/preteen/sometimes even teen years or the show but instead to that feeling you get as life moves on and people move in different directions, grow in different ways and with different people even. When I told one of my best friends how I felt she used the term growing pains to describe it and it really resonated with me. Ever since graduating high school, my friends have moved in different directions and through different walks of life. I love having friends who have varied interests, backgrounds and paths in life. Keeps life exciting but also sometimes makes you question your own path which can be painful and helpful. I have friends who are married with children and I see the joy (and the exhaustion, hard work, and selflessness) that goes into being a parent and watching this child that came from two people's love and was created lovingly in God's image grow into their own person. I want that. No question in my mind.

But then I have friends who are still single or dating or whatever the case may be who also have fulfilling and happy lives in different ways. I am a firm believer that everyone should follow the path they feel is meant for them and spend a lot of time in prayer and contemplation if they are not sure what that is. I know this may be TMI for some but Matt and I had completely unprotected sex for the first time the other night. Without going into too much detail, we just got caught up in the moment and it was beautiful, truly making love the way God intended. Afterwards I remembered that my ovulation test for that day had been positive meaning that I was pretty much as fertile as I could be. And I got excited and scared all in the same minute. I know that there is only a chance that I am pregnant and no guarantees, but knowing that there might be a tiny human growing inside of me right now fills me with joy. And with fear. Spending time with Matt's best friend and some of his band mates and friends Friday night made me kind of miss that feeling of going out to the bar or wherever and just being silly. With or without alcohol lol. I just missed the carefree feeling of it all. I had to go to work in the morning and really didn't want to, I wanted to spend more time in that place. Feel that way a little longer. I found out they went to breakfast and talked about the stupid funny things that happened the night before and I felt like I missed out. I know that leaving that part of my life behind will be such an immense blessing in the long run but I just feel a little sad about it. Just a little bit like the carefree (ok somewhat stupid and naive) girl that I was is truly gone. It has been years since I have really "gone out" on a semi regular basis and really I should have had this feeling a while ago. But there are days when it just hits me, especially now with a big change coming to our lives, hopefully soonish.

This post has been in the works for a little over a week now I believe. Have felt like there is more I want to say and express but not sure exactly how to put it into words. It doesn't help that I have been physically exhausted with no energy. Not sure exactly why. Might be PMS. Might be something else though at this point the pregnancy test is saying no at 10 days post ovulation. We shall see what God has in store. This weekend has been re-energizing, spending time with family, doing some much needed housework, making plans, reading, and just enjoying being at home. Hoping to have another relaxing day with the hubby tomorrow before we head back to work.