Tuesday, April 21, 2015

My Struggle as a New Mom

The last 6 months have in retrospect kind of flown by and are already starting to blur. The late nights, the lack of showers, clothes covered in spit up and drool, the (sometimes seemingly endless) crying, and the disaster of a house. Some of these things still remain, mainly the messy house. But I experienced all of this with a heaviness unexplained in my heart and a cloud over my head. The cloud still hovers. I struggled and continue to struggle with postpartum depression. Those two ugly words no mom wants to face. The shame and the guilt of knowing I have this little blessing in my life and all I can feel some days is anger, sadness and loneliness makes me feel like a terrible person all around. In all reality I have never really felt so alone, I thought I was joining a club but for me that isn't how it has felt. I feel alone and broken and never good enough for anyone. I feel inadequate as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I have felt no room to let people in, I feel filled up with emptiness.

The days all blur together. The first 3 months were especially hazy. I thought it was just mommy blues but they didn't go away like I thought they would. I had more help than I could of ever asked for and yet I was failing. I fell into the deep pit telling me I was worthless and useless and would never be good enough. I still have moments where I feel that especially in my marriage. Matt has had an especially hard time coping with my emotions and understanding that I don't want to feel this way. He tries to help but often times I lash out because of the way he approaches me. I desperately want to feel something again. And when Logan giggles or smiles at me after a long day at work I do feel something. I feel that love that everyone talks about, that overwhelming, all consuming love for another human being. But in the moments,the hard moments, I feel like a total failure and just turn inward.

Our son didn't even get a visit from the Easter bunny on his very first Easter. I was too overwhelmed to even decide what to buy him. Thursday night after a visit to urgent care we went to Walgreens to get a prescription and that was really when it hit me that I didn't buy Logan anything for Easter, no special outfit, no new toys, nothing. I broke down Saturday night and Matt said that we could still go get him something but I had already failed in my mind so it was pointless. Then Easter morning when we stopped at my parent's on our way to Easter dinner with my in-laws my mom asked me what the Easter bunny brought Logan and I said nothing. She looked at me and said "Nothing?" and I said "No, nothing." She looked at me with this look that cut through my heart, I knew in that moment my mom was disappointed for Logan. And I still pretty much felt numb. That is also the moment that I knew I wasn't better like I thought I was.

I want to talk to someone, a counselor, but even finding time for that brings about more anxiety. I know I need it to be a better mom and wife. I am drowning. That is the only way I can describe it. I ask God daily to give me the strength to keep going, to do the best I can for Logan because no matter how I feel, Logan needs his mommy. He 100% depends on me to take care of him and keep him safe and that is one of the only things that gets me through some days. I wasn't prepared for this, I was prepared to be head over heels for our little guy not feeling a nagging resentment every time he wakes me up in the night or I can't figure out what's wrong.

In short this is not what I signed up for.
Thursday, April 16, 2015

2015 Goals Update #3

So I just spent an hour or so totally overhauling my goals for the year (slow day at work lol). I changed the categories but kept the general goals mostly the same though there have been minor tweaks. I hope to putting more of my progress on the main goal page as well. I am going to update for March in the other format but next month I will be changing it. I didn't accomplish much in March, had some bad days/stretches with postpartum depression and mostly felt overwhelmed all month.We did get in our monthly date and made some progress on the credit card pay off. 

March Goals
Health (didn't touch these)
  • Do Biggest Loser DVD at least once
  • try at least one healthy recipe
  • Figure out best way to track water intake.
  • Start counting calories
    Spirit (didn't make any goals)

    Marriage (one out of three lol)
    • Go on a date with Matt in March
    • Pick the two marriage books I want to read 
    • Book a room for our anniversary
    • Start having financial meetings (ongoing)
    • Read to Logan 3 times a week (ongoing) (didn't do too great this month)
    • Spend 30 minutes everyday with Logan, no distractions (ongoing)
    • Side income
      • January: $90
      • February: $100.09
      • March: $91
    • Make an effort to get together with a friend once a week (ongoing)
    • Pay off Meijer Credit Card  Pay off credit card debt. (We ended up transferring the balance to another credit card I have because they had a promotion going on with super low interest.) Also used a good chunk of our tax return to pay down the balance. 
    • Make extra deposit into emergency savings.
    • Save money each month for Christmas (ongoing, will update progress each month)
      • January Saved $26.10
      • February-Saved $0
      • March-Saved $0
    • Create categories for targeted, short term savings goals in YNAB
    • Start tithing
    • Do some organizing and purging each month. (I will update what I accomplished each month here)
      • Home (didn't touch these)
        • Go through clothes in closet
        • Organize hair styling products and accessories in bathroom
      • Virtual (made some progress still not as clean as I would like)
        • Finish cleaning up email
    • Get planners organized for the year (did decide on 4 planners: general for appointments and such, financial, medical and home and got the financial one pretty well organized)
    • Establish daily, weekly and monthly routines
      • Create to do lists for each day in regards to routine
    • Write at least once a week (52 times) 5/52
      • January (3)
      • February (1)
      • March (1) (Started a post I haven't finished)
    • Read a total of 24 books (ongoing) 2/24
      • February: 1
      • March: 1
    Now onto the goals for this month even though we are half way through, I have accomplished a couple things that I will put on the list but save what I actually accomplished for the next update. These are going to line up with my new categories so check out the 2015 goals post if further clarification is needed.

    April Goals

    Personal Goals
    Read devotional once a week
    Pick marriage book to start in May
    Pick next parenting book to read

    Try the biggest loser dvd
    Try a healthy recipe
    Start tracking water intake by the end of the month
    Stop eating an hour before bed by end of month

    Go to church at least once
    Make a plan to increase tithing


    Check resume to see what needs to be updated

    Make some sort of side income
    Create a printable
    Write at least once a week (ongoing)
    Type up nightly routine and post on fridge

    Home Life Goals
    Marriage Goals
    Go on a date at least once a month (4/12) (ongoing)
    Finally book that weekend for our anniversary
    Start having financial meetings consistently (ongoing)

    Parenting Goals
    Read to Logan 3 times a week consistently (ongoing)
    Spend 30 minutes everyday with Logan, no distractions (ongoing)
    Transition Logan to crib

    Organization Goals
    Clean out clothes in closet
    Finish cleaning up email
    Choose general appointment planner and purchase
    Finish up financial planner set up
    Decide what all to include in home planner
    Set up medical binder

    Financial Goals
    Make large payment towards credit card
    Set up additional transfers to emergency fund
    Get life insurance quotes
    Set aside money in Christmas account
    Decide on what we really want to save for

    Social Life Goals
    Send a weekly text message to closest friends
    Dinner with friends
    Visit friends having new baby

    So there you have it, halfway through the month and I have made goals for the month lol. Feels like my whole life lately. Still trying to find a sort of groove for this whole working mom thing and think I am going to get in contact with a counselor/therapist for the post partum depression. Thought I was doing better but the stretches of really tough days have gone back up. Will try to get the post I started about this up this month.