I really miss writing, expressing my feelings in a constructive way that helps me really sort out my feelings. Not just updating the cyberspace world about the stupid goings on in my life but really expressing my feelings through poetry and journaling. Working through my emotions and feeling a catharsis when I step away from the paper or computer. I am currently finishing out my work assignment through a temp agency. After Friday I will be unemployed and I thought I had faced it and understood what that meant. But today it has hit me, I will have no job as of Monday. I will not have to wake up early and be somewhere. It scares me. I feel the sadness creeping in. I feel lonely already. That loneliness is what led me to terrible places in my life before. Matt and I have been struggling to deal with the changes going on around us lately. We are moving and all that entails, we will have less income, and to top it off, Matt's best friend's dad passed away this last week and Matt is taking it pretty hard mostly because he (actually both of us) are really worried about our friend, he doesn't have many close friends and lives alone except for having his kids occasionally. The shortness of life, wanting to live here and now, spend my life doing something meaningful. The lack of a plan doesn't help. I had a plan until I graduated college than the plan goes out the window in an economy that was struggling and is now making a painfully slow recovery. With disappointment after disappointment it is hard to keep the faith. I had an interview a couple weeks ago and I was so excited and hopeful until I got there and they tore me to shreds and made me feel worthless yet again. I am worthless with a college degree and 18 months as a lab technician gaining experience. I have held a job pretty consistently since I was 15 and yet no one wants to hire me. I don't want to go back to school but I am starting to feel it is my only choice so that I can feel worth something. Matt and my family and friends try to help and give me hope and it helps temporarily but then I am alone and the thoughts creep back in. The fear. The hopelessness. The loneliness. The need to curl up in bed and sleep it away. No matter how much you sleep, you have to wake up and you have to face life. You have to face the need for income. You have to face the bills. You have to face the ache in your heart to start a family and the million reasons you shouldn't but the one that means more than the rest. Expanding the love in my heart. I love Matt so much, I want to expand and compound that love by making a baby with him. I am so blessed. I have a place to live, food, money to pay bills, family, friends, a husband who loves me and would do anything for me and blessings beyond anything I deserve. And yet....I sit here and act like everything is soooo terrible but in reality it isn't. In reality, my life is good. God loves me and pulls me through. I want these feelings to float away and never return. My heart and my head have different ideas. This world and my faith have different ideas. Everything conflicts.
Bottom line: I am scared and lonely and feel no way to really express it that is constructive. Besides a need to keep going and make the best of what is in front of me.
