Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Future

I started thinking lately that my whole life I have always focused on the future. As a child, all I wanted was to be a teenager in high school with a boyfriend having a great time and feeling my first taste of freedom. High school came and it was nothing as I expected, it was emotionally and physically draining for the most part. All I could think about were boys but only one of them ever felt remotely the same way about me as I did about them. And even that relationship was far from what I pictured. High school taught me to be strong and have good friends to lean on and though it was nothing as I had pictured, it was 4 years that changed me.

Towards the end of high school, all I could think about was college and how amazing it was going to be. Being totally on my own and making new friends and not having to go to school all day every day. There were so many things to look forward to. College came and it was scary and hard and not at all exciting. I discovered that spending so much time in school was what had allowed me to make friendships that lasted a lifetime, in college things aren't like that. You have to start to work to keep friendships and relationships in general. I spent the first few years of college in love with a man who didn't love me back, there was no college romance for me, just heartache and pain and as a man continuously broke my heart and I allowed him to do it. College was not all happy go lucky as I had imagined, it was hard work and lots of stress. Dealing with roommates, classes, finances, and on top of all that finding time for friends and making friends. I came out of college with a few good friends and a degree that so far has gotten me nowhere, more on that later though. The four years I spent in college were probably the hardest, happiest, craziest, most emotional and most life changing so far in my life. I learned to let go. I learned to hold on when its worth it. I learned that God is always there, whether you mess up or not, He will not leave you. There were many points in my college career when I wanted to crawl in bed and give up, emotionally, mentally and physically but I kept going. My faith wavered and then grew strong. God saw me through this time of self doubt, loneliness, depression and also the happiness which mostly came as a light at the end of the tunnel in my last year of college.

Throughout college my greatest hope was to graduate and have a great job lined up and be able to be out on my own within the following year. This want intensified when I met and fell in love with Matt, my fiance. Then suddenly there was white dresses, receptions and engagement photos on my mind along with total independence from my parents. Here I am ten months later, still living at home, working a part time job as a cashier with my fiance just back to work. We are broke and live with my parents. The best laid plans do not always work out, as has been evidenced by my whole life thus far. Looking to the future has constantly let me down and caused me more heartache then I care to think about. And as I sit here writing this, I wonder why? Why have I done this to myself? God has placed me where I am at this very moment and for His purpose. I should trust that but my head cries out that I shouldn't. That I should worry and fret about every little thing. I so desperately want to let go of these feelings, to trust that God has a plan and everything will come to frutition. Our June 23, 2o12 wedding date is one of the things that scares me most even though I feel in my heart it is right. The economy should not dictate my life. I want to marry the man I love and start a family and don't want to wait around for things to be perfect to do that. And yet it costs money to have a wedding, not that I want anything all that lavish, but things add up. I know this wedding is in God's plans because I feel it when I pray about my anxiety, He tells me to continue forward with plans even though there are those that would say I am crazy.

I know that I am beginning to rant and ramble and that is probably a sign I should stop writing lol. These are just a few things that have been on my mind for a few days now and I felt I should let them out. Even if just for me........


Jess said...

So I just realized you started writing, and Jenny, you are not crazy for perusing your wedding. Sure you could do it cheaper. Be crafty. And if money is that big of an issue, go ahead and do a smaller thing like Laura & Joe. You can always have a heck of a party 5 years down the road. You love Matt, just as my love for James didn't deter our wedding. Should we have waited? Some days I will tell you yes, because it isn't fun living with your parents for over a year when married. Life happens though. And you are right the economy has no right to dictate something God has placed on your heart.