Saturday, March 26, 2011

The Future

I started thinking lately that my whole life I have always focused on the future. As a child, all I wanted was to be a teenager in high school with a boyfriend having a great time and feeling my first taste of freedom. High school came and it was nothing as I expected, it was emotionally and physically draining for the most part. All I could think about were boys but only one of them ever felt remotely the same way about me as I did about them. And even that relationship was far from what I pictured. High school taught me to be strong and have good friends to lean on and though it was nothing as I had pictured, it was 4 years that changed me.

Towards the end of high school, all I could think about was college and how amazing it was going to be. Being totally on my own and making new friends and not having to go to school all day every day. There were so many things to look forward to. College came and it was scary and hard and not at all exciting. I discovered that spending so much time in school was what had allowed me to make friendships that lasted a lifetime, in college things aren't like that. You have to start to work to keep friendships and relationships in general. I spent the first few years of college in love with a man who didn't love me back, there was no college romance for me, just heartache and pain and as a man continuously broke my heart and I allowed him to do it. College was not all happy go lucky as I had imagined, it was hard work and lots of stress. Dealing with roommates, classes, finances, and on top of all that finding time for friends and making friends. I came out of college with a few good friends and a degree that so far has gotten me nowhere, more on that later though. The four years I spent in college were probably the hardest, happiest, craziest, most emotional and most life changing so far in my life. I learned to let go. I learned to hold on when its worth it. I learned that God is always there, whether you mess up or not, He will not leave you. There were many points in my college career when I wanted to crawl in bed and give up, emotionally, mentally and physically but I kept going. My faith wavered and then grew strong. God saw me through this time of self doubt, loneliness, depression and also the happiness which mostly came as a light at the end of the tunnel in my last year of college.

Throughout college my greatest hope was to graduate and have a great job lined up and be able to be out on my own within the following year. This want intensified when I met and fell in love with Matt, my fiance. Then suddenly there was white dresses, receptions and engagement photos on my mind along with total independence from my parents. Here I am ten months later, still living at home, working a part time job as a cashier with my fiance just back to work. We are broke and live with my parents. The best laid plans do not always work out, as has been evidenced by my whole life thus far. Looking to the future has constantly let me down and caused me more heartache then I care to think about. And as I sit here writing this, I wonder why? Why have I done this to myself? God has placed me where I am at this very moment and for His purpose. I should trust that but my head cries out that I shouldn't. That I should worry and fret about every little thing. I so desperately want to let go of these feelings, to trust that God has a plan and everything will come to frutition. Our June 23, 2o12 wedding date is one of the things that scares me most even though I feel in my heart it is right. The economy should not dictate my life. I want to marry the man I love and start a family and don't want to wait around for things to be perfect to do that. And yet it costs money to have a wedding, not that I want anything all that lavish, but things add up. I know this wedding is in God's plans because I feel it when I pray about my anxiety, He tells me to continue forward with plans even though there are those that would say I am crazy.

I know that I am beginning to rant and ramble and that is probably a sign I should stop writing lol. These are just a few things that have been on my mind for a few days now and I felt I should let them out. Even if just for me........
Friday, March 18, 2011

Lonely Nights

I have become so used to coming home to Matt that it feels weird for it to be the other way around. I should try to sleep but not sure I will be able to. Matt already texted saying he may have to work past 1 so I am sure I will fall asleep at some point. Work is getting to the point of ridiculousness and I really need to focus more on finding a new job so that I don't have to deal with their stupid politics. I kind of fell into a comfort zone knowing Matt was starting a job but recent events have jolted me out of that, along with looming student loan payments to make.

Wedding planning has also come to sort of a standstill. The date is set, June 23, 2o12 and we have the chapel reserved but waiting on reserving the hall for money reasons. Wedding dress shopping is fun but I just get overwhelmed too easily I think, so much to consider and there are so many options. Haven't had that "this is the one" moment I hear so much about but there are some dresses I feel very special in lol.

Well I suppose I should try and sleep, getting sleepy writing this and feel like I am kind of rambling......miss being cuddled as I fall asleep for sure :(
Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Where I Am Today

It has been over three years since I last wrote in this blog and so much has changed in my life. I started this blog while in college to have a place to vent and write but ended up not having enough time for it. Now I can't help but feel that I have too much time on my hands for this stage in my life.
I graduated college in May and here I am still working a part time job at basically minimum wage. There are days I feel like a failure and days I feel I am doing the best I can in an economy that is kind to almost no one. I want to hold on to hope every second of every day but it is so hard. My fiance and I currently live with my parents and it is definitely a strain on our relationship but we have no choice. He just started a job so hopefully soon things will start to turn around. My last two checks were just enough to pay bills that were due which I look at as a blessing but still, it hurts. Without the support of my fiance and my friends, I don't know that I wouldn't slip right back into the depression that engulfed my life two years ago.
There have been times in my life that were a struggle I thought would never end and as I continue to write this blog, I may share more about the things that have shaped me into the woman I am today. I hold fast to faith, family, friends and the love of my life to overcome and move through things that at one time would have broken me in two.
Time marches on and we must move with it, letting go is one of the hardest lessons I had to learn in my struggles and still must continue to learn. I know this is a lot of rambling but that is how my life is these days, a jumble.

More to come