Lately......

The busyness of life has kept me from regularly updating my poor blog. Working two jobs, finding time for Matt, friends and family, wedding planning, and other etceteras always seem to stand in the way. I miss it but every time I start to feel compelled, I am pulled to sleep or some other random task. A lot has happened since I last posted. Matt was laid off again after false promises of a full time job. A huge disappointment and another weight to bear. After he was laid off came the struggle for him to be paid unemployment that he is owed. Thankfully this last week that came through. I have been working two jobs, 40 hours at my job that uses my degree and 15 hours a week as a cashier still. We need the money for bills and I need to start buying wedding stuff as I am getting married in 6 months!!!!! EEK!!! So crazy, and I need to get my butt in gear and work on invites, finalize guest list, finish registry, find decorations, find flowers, etc etc etc. The list could literally go on and on. Also since I last posted I lost one of my best friends. My puppy (she always will be even though she was 13), Sweetie, could barely move her left side as of last weekend. I could tell she was in pain and knew it was time to save her by putting her down even though that meant pure heartbreak for my family. I start to cry even now, I miss her. I know that she is out of pain but I still selfishly want her here with me. She was my only friend sometimes during high school, I talked to her about everything even though I knew she couldn't talk back. She was always happy to see me. Can't say that about many other people I know. I didn't think it was going to be as hard as it was. My dad was so torn up. It was awful. Enough sadness for this post......actually I need to start thinking about bed. Will try to update soon

Day 10- 20 Day Blog Challenge

Day 10: Something you're afraid of

Oh jeepers, there are so many I feel.

The things I fear include

• cockroaches
• the dentist (eek dread it every single time for pretty much my entire life. I sit there and dig my nails in when the hygienist cleans my teeth)
• losing someone I love
• dying in some horrible way like drowning or being shot
• sinking back into depression
• vomiting
• seeing someone vomit (yup I have a big issue with vomit lol)

I would say those are most of the biggies. Some of them are probably truly insignificant in light of other things facing us in this world today. Am I afraid of losing my job? of not being able to move out on our own before the wedding? that getting married in this economy is crazy? Yes all of the above but I also know that God will provide, no matter what. He loves me and whether I understand His ways or not, they will bring me peace in the end.

Day 9- 30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend

These picture posts always make me sad because I have lost so many pictures from my computer and external hard drive crashing. Ironic that my backup crashed not long after my computer of 4 years did. :( Blah But my favorite picture of my best friend, Jess, is probably one from New Years Eve a few years back or from going to Barnes and Noble at midnight to buy the 7th book.

Both of these pictures are of Jess being who she is, excited and happy about life. She is silly and kind hearted and one of the best friends a girl could ask for. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. There are many more pictures that bring back wonderful, hilarious, happy memories but sadly none of those are at my disposal at the moment.

Answered Prayers

On Tuesday I received the phone call that I have been waiting 1 year and 4 months to receive. I missed it but on my voicemail I hear "Jennifer, I have some good news for you, call me as soon as you get this." Immediately I start freaking out and I call back and soon enough I have been offered a full time position in a lab using my education. I could barely contain myself while on the phone as he was explaining the next steps to me. I get off the phone and immediately rush to Matt and jump on him and hug him screaming "I got it! I got the job!" And then I start to cry, tears of relief and joy. It is only a contract position for 18 months but it is with a respectable company and gives me professional experience which is what almost every other interview seems to think I am lacking.

After my initial joy came the stress and worry as it usually does. We now need another car. I need new clothes. More gas money to spend. Changing my availability at my part time job as I am going to keep it for the time being. Spending less time with Matt and what that means for us. Changing my sleep schedule. And on and on. But I feel beyond blessed and relieved to have finally been given an opportunity to prove my skills and contribute more financially to Matt and I's future. We may be able to move out now and start our lives together as a couple without my parents or sister always around. More opportunities to just be us.

I am feeling sleepy and should have went to bed a while ago as I need to start going to bed earlier blah.

A life beyond these walls....

I sit here in the house I have lived in the majority of the time for the last 13 or so years feeling nervous, stressed, hopeful, excited, tense, and did I mention nervous? Things are changing and and moving forward. I feel the wheels turning in my life. I have an interview for a job I feel confident in performing on Friday morning. I want it so bad. It would mean a new car, moving out of this place and Matt and I being able to start our lives together in our very own home, whether that be an apartment or whatever God has in store. This house will always in my heart be home but I am beyond ready for a place of my own and to run it in my own way. My parents have provided for me in ways that I know some parents would never do. They have welcomed Matt into their home, provided me with food and shelter, and loved me unconditionally. But I need to be on my own, to make decisions, to provide for myself, and make my own mistakes without them there to clean up my mess.

I am trying to not put too much pressure on myself for this job but we need it and I want it. I am nervous and scared beyond belief. This time it feels right, like I am not faking knowing things that I don't necessarily. That there is actually a shot in hell (pardon my French) of my getting this job and a big, welcome change coming into Matt and I's life. For us to live comfortably on our own, maybe not extravagantly but to get by and do it together on our own. To have a 40 hour a week job that will probably exhaust me but allow me to feel accomplished and like I am moving somewhere and not stuck in retail for the rest of my life. I am blessed in so many ways, with wonderful family, friends, the best future husband a girl could ask for, food, shelter, clothing and many many more that I forget to thank God for on a regular basis.

This economy has torn apart my self esteem and made me feel worthless and almost stupid. My feelings may be irrational but they are mine and I own up to them. I learned when I went through therapy never to feel stupid for what you feel, God has a purpose for those feelings. But keeping them bottled up inside, tears you apart. For the last year, I have probably cried at least once a week because I felt worthless and hopeless. It helped and felt therapeutic. I know there are those who suffer far worse than I and struggle with problems far beyond my petty problems and I try to remember those people in my prayers. But my problems are still problems that need to be dealt with before I explode or act them out on someone who doesn't deserve it as I have in the past.

I think I am starting to ramble, feeling sleepy. Need to rest and prepare for interview more tomorrow.......*sigh*

Day 8- 30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 8: A place you've traveled to

I guess I have three choices, my family's Florida road trip when I was 11, my spring break trip with my two roomies and parents to Washington D.C. my sophomore year of college, or my spring break trip to Pennsylvania with my bestie and parents lol. I loved Washington D.C. even though I didn't get to see everything I wanted because of time constraints, I definitely want to go back with Matt because he has never been there and it is something I want to do right at least once. Pennsylvania was fun too, went to Hershey and visited a friend who was living there.

It would definitely be easier to write about where I want to travel.....so many places. I would love to make it to all 50 states someday and maybe even out of the country even if just to Canada, lol. I want to see a true big city and the actual middle of nowhere even though I feel as if I live there most of the time. I would love to see Europe, especially Paris and Rome. I never see myself accomplishing all of this but a girl can dream. Given the choice between buying a house and starting a family and traveling all over, I would pick starting a life right here in the area I grew up. A strange concept to some but I can't imagine leaving this place, my whole life is here even if that seems small and insignificant to some.

This post seems to be changing topics lol, to get back on track, here are some pics from the few travels I have taken :)

After our stint working in the Hershey factory

On our way to DC

After my computer crashed I lost all my pictures and these were all I could find to steal from Facebook. This is just a reminder of how sad my computer crashing makes me for sure. Years of memories just gone, except for some of them that I have printed. Blah....man this just goes from one thing to the next I guess, can't keep my train of thought straight. Brain is tired. That's all for now folks...lol

Directionless

He calms the storm, so that its waves are still -Psalm 107:29 NKJV

I open my devotional that I have been meaning to start a couple of days ago and storms are the first topic. It blew me away. I needed this verse. It is so easy to forget that God is everything and has provided me with everything I have ever needed. To become so wrapped up in what I want and think that I need at this very moment. I have spent much of my time since I began to believe, trying to wrap my head around that and I still struggle every single day. I have plans and think that God should just answer my prayers so that the pain and confusion and just everything can be so much better. Not so....God has this plan which is what people always say but I have seen it. God has used so many things in my life to pull me back or show me something that wasn't clear. The last couple of days I have been in a funk and I can't get out of it. I want to stay in bed, sleep until things get better. Another thing that doesn't work, in order for God to do something, I have to do something.

The will to keep going, keep applying, keep hope, keep faith is so hard to hang on to. I keep losing my grip. Depending on things to just fall into place instead of helping them to get there. I miss the routine that high school and college gave me. I feel like I am wandering, to places I don't want to go back to again. I want to walk with purpose in a direction but really, honestly can not figure out that direction. Some days I just break down and cry, more often now than in the past. Matt and I are getting married in 10 months and I have no idea what we are going to do. Living with my parents is not an option after the marriage, that has pretty much been made clear. Not that I would really want to, at least not for too long, the stress of living here is another thing weighing me down. I want to have hope and faith and know beyond a reasonable doubt that God is moving me towards the greater good here, and somewhere buried inside I do know that. Forgetting has become far too easy. I am not grounded enough in my faith and have known this for quite some time. I need to get back to doing devotionals and reading the Bible, to being proactive about a job, finances, my faith, my relationships even.

After struggling through a couple bouts of depression, I have become familiar with the signs and this feels all too familar even though the cirumstances are completely changed. I have not let a relationship ruin my emotional health, instead I have a relationship that keeps me above the water, someone to hug me, hold me, listen to me babble even though he does not quite understand at all times, he tries and for that I can never thank him enough. I can never thank him enough for saving me. He was there at the perfect moment, hence I know God has a plan. My heart had to shatter so that God, friends, family, faith, hope, and the love of my life could help put it back together and put things in perspective for me. I have not been through the trauma that some have had to experience but the emotional and mental roller coaster I was on for a long time, not too long ago, took its toll. I feel myself slipping back into the black, I am holding on but not for dear life, only enough to stay above water as I said before. I don't know how to convey these feelings to others when most of it is my doing.

I am the one who has not taken life by the reins but instead let it steadily pass by me, floating on contentment which is slightly underlied by disappointment, sadness, and a basic feeling of loss that I can not shake. The words of "Fly Away" by Sugarland came on as I began this and the words resonate so deeply with me as they did a few years ago.

Angel carry me, oh so far away

May my body never touch the ground
And if I promise you that I'll be back someday,

will you set me free so I can fly away?

Day 7- 30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 7: Favorite movies

My tastes in movies vary far and wide. At one end there is my love of football movies and the other is my love for movies that give you a good cry. And I like a little bit of everything in between.

Some of my favorite football movies are Remember the Titans, Friday Night Lights, Rudy, The Blind Side and The Longest Yard. I also have a love for Disney movies especially Beauty and the Beast, all 3 of the Aladdin movies, The Lion King and Hercules. Meet the Robinsons is another great movie. Some of my favorite chick flicks are 27 Dresses, Made of Honor, both of the Sex and the City movies, The Women, Dirty Dancing, and many more.

I also have a list of go to movies for crying.....sad but true lol. A Walk to Remember makes me cry everytime. Others include Terms of Endearment, Titanic, Steel Magnolias, and my newest favorite Fireproof.

I also have to mention Harry Potter, all 7 of them, help to give life to the amazing books. And there are a couple action movies that have caught my attention including Law Abiding Citizen, The Conspirator, Gone in 60 Seconds....and a few more which I am too sleepy to come up with.

There are so many good movies out there, I feel there is no way to narrow it down, this list is in no way complete and someday I may have to render that injustice but for now the pillow calls my name....

Day 6- 30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy

The things that make me most happy are my friends and family and the man I am going to marry so here are some pictures that make me smile :)

Care bears have always made me smile, yes this is a senior picture lol

Probably one of the best pics I have ever seen of myself courtesy of my best friend

Reminds me of the newness and amazing happiness I felt at the beginning of our relationship and reminds me that I should always feel that way because I am so blessed

This makes me smile because it is my best friend, Jess, and because it was her wedding day and thinking of how happy she was makes me look forward to my own wedding and relive the fun of that day

This picture makes me both happy and sad....I miss my Grandpa everyday and did not face his death in time to spend any real quality time with him towards the end, pictures are all I have left. But remembering him makes me smile

Dad and I when I was little, not the best picture but he looks happy, our relationship has its ups and downs but I know that he acts the way he does out of love and protectiveness

Hoping to have more time to blog or feel more of an urge we shall see...

Day 5- 30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 5: A song to match your mood

Today I have been feeling really blessed and excited to marry Matt and so "Feels Like Home" by Chantal Kreviazuk which will be our first dance song because every time I hear it it reminds me of all the feelings I had when I was first falling for Matt. He made me feel so safe and I knew he was the man God had intended for me.

Was going to post a couple other songs but feeling sleepy and bed calling my name

Day 4- 30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 4: Your parents

My parents are two of the most important and influential people in my life. My parents have been married for 26 years and are still happy and in love. Being in the house with our family sometimes you may question the love we have for each other but we are just a bit different in the way we show our love. We tend to complain about the others as a form of worry. My father is a brave man, having shared a home with three women for almost 23 years now. So let's start with him.

My dad is a good man. He has a hard time showing his love for others and does it in a way that is all his own. He yells and criticizes and sometimes hurts feelings in the process but deep down I know he does it because he loves me and his family. I am his baby and the fact that I am overly sensitive and emotional is really difficult for him. He brings me to tears by stating an opinion if I am in the wrong mood. Always he comes after me, sometimes with tears in his eyes, to apologize and tell me he loves me. His love is a kind that is not easily recognized, sometimes it is too harsh or almost hidden but then he turns around and does what he just complained about. He is the kind of guy who doesn't understand why you need a car at college but then turns around and surprises you with one of your very own. He is the kind of man who says the dog will do find with hard food even though she is having a hard time chewing and turn around and buy her soft dog food. He is the kind of man who though he disagrees with my decision to get married without my life fully figured out will offer the money for the deposit on the hall because he knows it is important to me and that I am smarter than he may think. My dad and I have very similar, stubborn personalities which causes us to clash almost constantly but that doesn't mean we don't love each other. He has given me everything I have ever needed and more. He doesn't hesitate to help me, whatever the situation may be.

My mom is my rock. She keeps me grounded and realistic. She is a solitary person and I am not which sometimes makes it hard for her to understand where I am coming from but she will listen. I know that I could call her at any time and she would talk to me even if it was just because I couldn't sleep. She has always believed in me and been unashamed at being proud of me for being the person I am and what I have accomplished. Over the last couple of years I have watched my mom come out of her shell and become a woman with a voice. she has lost around 100 pounds and learned to speak up for what she wants. Growing up I remember vividly her struggle with speaking for herself but now that is no issue. She isn't afraid to go for what she wants and let people know it. Her growth has given her the strength to help me pull through some tough times in my life. My mom is funny when she wants to be and crabby when she wants to be. There are days she doesn't want to take crap and days I feel she takes too much crap. I remember vividly seeing my mom after high school graduation and reaching out to hug her and both of us started to cry. I knew she had never been more proud of me than that moment. That is one of my most vivid memories and I think it always will be.

My parents as a team are some of the best you could ask for. Their marriage is an inspiration to me and I only hope Matt and I will be as happy as they are together.

Oh the joys of retail....

I love waking up to my mom asking me for shorts to go to the cottage and then realizing I can't go because I have to work....blah. Don't get me wrong I am grateful for my job but some days I really wish I had a M-F job where I could have holidays off. *Sigh* I do need the money though. And it is not like I am alone, Matt has to work tonight so he is staying home to sleep.

That's all I really had to say at this point...just wanted to rant to the internet universe...

Day 3- 30 Day Blog Challenge

So I have decided it is impossible for me to believe I will actually post in this everyday but I really want to finish the challenge so I am just going to go with it :)

Day 3: Your first love

The story of my first love is a long and sordid story. I have only really dated 3 people in my life. My high school boyfriend, Mark, who, looking back I only really ever loved as a friend. I never truly fell in love until Dylan. It was a love that lasted almost 5 years even though we were truly only together a short amount of that time. But I loved him that whole time even though I tried to deny it to myself. I met Dylan when I was 16 and he was dating one of my best friends. Though their relationship lasted only a short time, our friendship grew stronger and I wasn't willing to give it up even when they split. My friend believed I should cut all ties with him as their relationship had ended badly but I couldn't bare to lose someone who had become so close to me. I made a decision that my friend did not agree with and was very angry over for a long time but looking back I wouldn't change it, he became one of my best friends. I could tell him anything without judegement. As we became closer, things started to turn to the physical though we never made our relationship official, we were just fooling around. It was during this time I believe I fell in love with him. I wanted to be with him all the time which was difficult because we lived a half hour apart. I defied my parents numerous times in order to spend time with him and even started lying to my friends so they wouldn't judge me. I made decisions that now I do regret, I allowed myself to be used for my body and let Dylan take advantage of me. The thing I haven't mentioned yet is that Dylan was trouble. He was into drinking, smoking, pot, and like I said he took advantage of me. Deep down I knew he was but by this time my love had blinded me and I looked at it as helping him. He had a troubled home life with a drinking dad and a mom he didn't really get along with which much later I would come to find out was for good reason as all he ever did was ask her for things.

About two years into our "friendship" I moved even further away from Dylan to attend college. We remained friends and our relationship went as it usually did, talking on the phone a lot, visits occasionally, and still the physical from time to time. I was pulled deeper and deeper into Dylan's world of drinking and pot and not really caring about anyone else. This was fueled by my deep loneliness at school, the stroke my sister suffered, my friends and I not being as close as we once were, and just a general depression that I did not at first identify as depression but now see it that way. His life was what I wanted, to not care about anyone but myself and just to have fun. I started slipping away from God and did things I am ashamed of but know that I have been forgiven for.

It was in November of 2006 that Dylan decided to abandon me and that is when the real heartache starts. It was then that I realized I couldn't live without him and that our relationship meant more to me than I had ever really realized. It sent me spiraling deeper into a depression and took me further from God, two things I have learned go hand in hand. He dropped out of high school and moved to Texas in the middle of the night. There was no phone call or anything to warn me or say goodbye. Just a phone call from a train station that he was going. I was stunned, somewhere deep inside I had truly begun to believe he cared for me. The next few months were some of the hardest of my life at that point, which can be evidenced by my writing during that period. I had never felt so rejected or lost and mostly I kept it to myself. Looking back on writings from that time is very painful for me and even now writing this story down in full is painful, it has taken me over a week because I get to points I don't want to revisit. At the same time revisiting the pain is reinforcing what I came to learn much to late about this man I loved, he wasn't good enough for me and still isn't. He did eventually return to Michigan and I was so happy to see him, I couldn't contain my joy.

After this time our relationship becomes fuzzy again, visits, phone calls. I won't bore you with every single detail but we ended up together in the summer of 2008. At the time it was this amazing moment when he revealed he loved me and had for some time, he just didn't want to hurt me but now he wanted to be with me. Recently Dylan had also started going to church and accepted God into his life. The drinking had stopped and he was different. No mask to hide behind, I actually got to know the real him and fell more in love. The three months we spent together were crazy, happy, wonderful, awful, and scary. We fought constantly about almost everything and then the drinking started and the spiral once again started. I hated that this was happening for the zillionth time but kicked myself at the same time for believing he had truly changed. The night he got into a fight with the groom at one of my friend's weddings was the final straw, I broke it off the next morning. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do because I knew this meant a permanent change in our relationship. He stormed off after I broke up with him and as it so happened we were headed to the church for a function. I walked into the chuch with tears streaming down my face and the pastor hugged me and told me he had been told about the previous night. It was such a comfort to talk to him and know that I had my friends there after this horrible thing.

You may think that this was the end of our friendship but it wasn't I still talked to Dylan and saw him occasionally. I couldn't fully let go. I remember waking up one morning in April 2009 and realizing I didn't deserve the way he treated me. Period. I couldn't just be friends with someone who had betrayed me so many times and in countless ways. I stopped talking to him cold turkey, stopped answering his calls. It was difficult but I kept reminding myself I had something brighter ahead of me and he was headed nowhere fast. I couldn't change him. This is also around the time I started treatment for depression, both medicine and therapy. My therapist saved my life. She made me see what my family and friends had been trying to make me see for years but I had told them they were wrong. Going through therapy was the best thing I ever did for myself and my future. It was also the best thing I ever did for my relationship with God, letting go of Dylan made me hold tighter to that relationship that I came to treasure through my battle with depression and my relationship with Dylan. I was so scared of a life without him and I cried every time my phone rang with his name. I eventually changed him to Do Not Answer in my phone and it helped but was still painful. I would wake up in the middle of the night and reach for him and start to cry. I am surprised the few months after I stopped talking to him that I didn't use my allotment of tears for life.

There is pain in life, be it physical, emotional, or mental. I learned this the hard way, and chose to keep that pain in my life as a way to dull everything I felt. I turned my back on friends and family for a man who in the end left me heartbroken, scarred, and most of all hurt. I know there is worse pain in the world, I know people going through a worse pain now but my pain and hurt over this relationship brought me to where I am today. I am with a man who loves me through my flaws and scars. I have issues that I still cope with almost daily from what I went through with Dylan but Matt understands and listens and doesn't judge. Matt knows pain too, the pain of grief and deals with it constantly. But we don't hide in our pain, we share, we struggle together that is what a relationship is. Rejoicing, grieving, falling apart, losing it, loving, but all together.

It's funny that I wrote so much but my experience with Dylan is one that changed me spiritually and emotionally and allowed me to be the woman I am today. I know that I have moved on because the only part I started crying at was when I started to write about Matt. Dylan can no longer hurt me. I can't change the past, but I can learn from it.

Day 2- 30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

Hope for Today is mostly a reminder to myself that hope doesn't have to always stem into future hopes but that every day it is important to wake up and have hope that God's plan for that day will come to fruition. I can't just wait around for my life to happen but need to have hope that today something will happen that could possibly change the course of my life here on earth.

Day 1- 30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts

My name is Jennifer Arnold. I am a 22 year old woman(feels weird putting woman, I always want to say girl for some reason lol) who is in love with Jesus and trying to have faith in God with the plans for my life.

1. I graduated from Calvin College last May and am still seeking a job that uses my major (Biology) or really any full time job :)

2. I work as a cashier and to be honest, most of the time it sucks (but I am grateful for my job). Being so nice constantly is hard, I am now more appreciative of customer service people who are cranky sometimes :)

3. I was born in July and during a heat wave I am told, I think this is one of the reasons I LOVE summer and heat.

4. My favorite thing to do in the summer is visit the cottage my great grandma owns with my family and friends, there is nothing better than relaxing by the water and spending quality time with the people I love.

5. I am deathly afraid of the dentist. I sit in the chair and dig my nails into the arm rests.

6. I have a hard time letting go of things, hence the hope chest I received for graduation is already busting full. I am a tad too sentimental about most things obviously.

7. I could eat Chipotle Chicken Fajita burritos for one meal a day every day for the rest of my life and never get tired of them (pretty positive lol)

8. I am getting married on June 23, 2012 to the love of my life, Matt who I met about a year and a half ago through a dating service :-D can't wait!!

9. I love the feel of cool flannel on my skin, especially in winter.

10. I love reading, lately I have been devouring books and loving it, though I probably should spend more time being constructive.

11. My favorite TV show of all time is The Golden Girls, I have probably seen every episode at least 20 times as I own them all on DVD and watch them whenever I have a bad day, I know every line and still laugh every time.

12. I miss college life, the routine, the friends I made there and feeling like I was going to get somewhere at the end. I have to remind myself my journey is not over and God has a plan for me.

13. I have one older sister but our family roles are pretty much reversed according to everything I have read. She is the babied spoiled one and I am the one who is supposed to take care of her and guide her. I love her to death but am frustrated beyond belief sometimes.

14. Cuddling is pretty much my favorite thing to do. I love falling asleep in Matt's arms, nothing better than feeling that secure.

15. I need to make more time for God's word in my life. I pray constantly but have been slacking on reading the Bible. Need to add it to my daily schedule for sure.

30 Day Blog Challenge

So my friend Jess just started a blog challenge and I decided to be a copy cat and do the same thing....he he he he. So here is what the next 30 days will bring :)

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts
Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3: Your first love
Day 4: Your parents
Day 5: A song to match your mood
Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7: Favorite movies
Day 8: A place you've traveled to
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend
Day 10: Something you're afraid of
Day 11: Favorite tv shows
Day 12: Something you don't leave the house without
Day 13: Goals
Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?
Day 15: Bible verse
Day 16: Dream house
Day 17: Something you're looking forward to
Day 18: Favorite Place to Eat
Day 19: Something you miss
Day 20: Nicknames
Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself ALL TIME Why?
Day 22: What's in your purse?
Day 23: Favorite Movie
Day 24: Something you've learned
Day 25: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26: Your Dream Wedding (I might change this too My Wedding Day)
Day 27: Original Photo of the city you live in
Day 28: Something that stresses you out
Day 29: 3 Wishes
Day 30: a picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge

Faith in the plan

Days will come when you don't have the strength
and all you hear is you're not worth anything

Everytime this song ("Beautiful" by MercyMe) comes on the radio, it is at that exact point when I need it. I know God is trying to tell me something, especially when I heard it on Thursday after hearing the news of my fiance being let go from his job. I knew the next day would be the kind of day when I wouldn't have the strength to get out of bed unless God pulled me through. I was so utterly devastated, I cried until I couldn't anymore. I understand this is not a real tragedy and that so many others are in a worse position than Matt and I. We have a place to live and food to eat and parents who are there to help us financially bear the burden of this blow. I just felt so overcome with everything weighing on my shoulders that I didn't know what to do but cry and feel everything that I have been trying to avoid. How will we get married with this loss? How will we ever have our own place? How will we pay my student loan payment next month? How will we afford the car insurance we had just purchased that day? It took reminders from my fiance, my parents, my friends, and mostly God that He has brought me through similar situations before. And He will provide again. Keeping the faith and hope alive is the tough part when everything is screaming at you that you are not good enough, you have to hold your head up and keep going on because the song goes on to say

You're beautiful, you're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, you're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

I am God's creation, made in His image. He has a plan for me and as Jess always reminds me, this is the way He is choosing to shape my life and Matt's life for that matter. We have to believe that this difficulty is part of the plan and God's way of continuing to shape me. There are days when I question, like last Thursday when Matt lost his job. I kept saying to Matt "What did we do to deserve this?" and I know that is an unfair question because most people suffering in this economy and around the world do not deserve it. But in my anger I said it. Looking back I feel ashamed of that girl but I was frustrated and know that God forgives me for questioning His will. I will continue to try and follow His will even when I don't fully understand it.

The Future

I started thinking lately that my whole life I have always focused on the future. As a child, all I wanted was to be a teenager in high school with a boyfriend having a great time and feeling my first taste of freedom. High school came and it was nothing as I expected, it was emotionally and physically draining for the most part. All I could think about were boys but only one of them ever felt remotely the same way about me as I did about them. And even that relationship was far from what I pictured. High school taught me to be strong and have good friends to lean on and though it was nothing as I had pictured, it was 4 years that changed me.

Towards the end of high school, all I could think about was college and how amazing it was going to be. Being totally on my own and making new friends and not having to go to school all day every day. There were so many things to look forward to. College came and it was scary and hard and not at all exciting. I discovered that spending so much time in school was what had allowed me to make friendships that lasted a lifetime, in college things aren't like that. You have to start to work to keep friendships and relationships in general. I spent the first few years of college in love with a man who didn't love me back, there was no college romance for me, just heartache and pain and as a man continuously broke my heart and I allowed him to do it. College was not all happy go lucky as I had imagined, it was hard work and lots of stress. Dealing with roommates, classes, finances, and on top of all that finding time for friends and making friends. I came out of college with a few good friends and a degree that so far has gotten me nowhere, more on that later though. The four years I spent in college were probably the hardest, happiest, craziest, most emotional and most life changing so far in my life. I learned to let go. I learned to hold on when its worth it. I learned that God is always there, whether you mess up or not, He will not leave you. There were many points in my college career when I wanted to crawl in bed and give up, emotionally, mentally and physically but I kept going. My faith wavered and then grew strong. God saw me through this time of self doubt, loneliness, depression and also the happiness which mostly came as a light at the end of the tunnel in my last year of college.

Throughout college my greatest hope was to graduate and have a great job lined up and be able to be out on my own within the following year. This want intensified when I met and fell in love with Matt, my fiance. Then suddenly there was white dresses, receptions and engagement photos on my mind along with total independence from my parents. Here I am ten months later, still living at home, working a part time job as a cashier with my fiance just back to work. We are broke and live with my parents. The best laid plans do not always work out, as has been evidenced by my whole life thus far. Looking to the future has constantly let me down and caused me more heartache then I care to think about. And as I sit here writing this, I wonder why? Why have I done this to myself? God has placed me where I am at this very moment and for His purpose. I should trust that but my head cries out that I shouldn't. That I should worry and fret about every little thing. I so desperately want to let go of these feelings, to trust that God has a plan and everything will come to frutition. Our June 23, 2o12 wedding date is one of the things that scares me most even though I feel in my heart it is right. The economy should not dictate my life. I want to marry the man I love and start a family and don't want to wait around for things to be perfect to do that. And yet it costs money to have a wedding, not that I want anything all that lavish, but things add up. I know this wedding is in God's plans because I feel it when I pray about my anxiety, He tells me to continue forward with plans even though there are those that would say I am crazy.

I know that I am beginning to rant and ramble and that is probably a sign I should stop writing lol. These are just a few things that have been on my mind for a few days now and I felt I should let them out. Even if just for me........

Lonely Nights

I have become so used to coming home to Matt that it feels weird for it to be the other way around. I should try to sleep but not sure I will be able to. Matt already texted saying he may have to work past 1 so I am sure I will fall asleep at some point. Work is getting to the point of ridiculousness and I really need to focus more on finding a new job so that I don't have to deal with their stupid politics. I kind of fell into a comfort zone knowing Matt was starting a job but recent events have jolted me out of that, along with looming student loan payments to make.

Wedding planning has also come to sort of a standstill. The date is set, June 23, 2o12 and we have the chapel reserved but waiting on reserving the hall for money reasons. Wedding dress shopping is fun but I just get overwhelmed too easily I think, so much to consider and there are so many options. Haven't had that "this is the one" moment I hear so much about but there are some dresses I feel very special in lol.

Well I suppose I should try and sleep, getting sleepy writing this and feel like I am kind of rambling......miss being cuddled as I fall asleep for sure :(

Where I Am Today

It has been over three years since I last wrote in this blog and so much has changed in my life. I started this blog while in college to have a place to vent and write but ended up not having enough time for it. Now I can't help but feel that I have too much time on my hands for this stage in my life.
I graduated college in May and here I am still working a part time job at basically minimum wage. There are days I feel like a failure and days I feel I am doing the best I can in an economy that is kind to almost no one. I want to hold on to hope every second of every day but it is so hard. My fiance and I currently live with my parents and it is definitely a strain on our relationship but we have no choice. He just started a job so hopefully soon things will start to turn around. My last two checks were just enough to pay bills that were due which I look at as a blessing but still, it hurts. Without the support of my fiance and my friends, I don't know that I wouldn't slip right back into the depression that engulfed my life two years ago.
There have been times in my life that were a struggle I thought would never end and as I continue to write this blog, I may share more about the things that have shaped me into the woman I am today. I hold fast to faith, family, friends and the love of my life to overcome and move through things that at one time would have broken me in two.
Time marches on and we must move with it, letting go is one of the hardest lessons I had to learn in my struggles and still must continue to learn. I know this is a lot of rambling but that is how my life is these days, a jumble.

More to come