Thursday, January 29, 2015

My life as a mom so far

I sit here on the couch with my husband holding my son next to me and Netflix on. This has become our nightly routine and sometimes our routine on weekends during the day. Though we have not really established any sort of routine for our little guy as I hoped we would have while still totally underestimating how tough things would become after our little guy actually arrived, as a family we have fallen into some routines that leave us with a house that is a little messier than I would like and most areas of our life way more disorganized than I would like. But we sit together, sometimes on our phone or computer, sometimes talking about the day or things coming up, watching something on Netflix, feeding, talking to and playing with Logan as the night goes on and sometimes it feels completely perfect and sometimes it feels totally overwhelming. But this is where we are and in its own way it feels right. I am nothing like the mom I imagined I would be and yet I am doing the best I can each and every day. It never feels like enough. But I am learning that it is enough. 

There are bottles in the sink, laundry to be done, clothes to be put away, a nursery that is still not ready for our little guy to actually sleep in, a dirty bathroom and a pile of stuff we need to get rid of in the other room. Oh and did I mention that to do list for organizing our chaos that is on the fridge hasn't had as many things crossed off as I would like? And I did good on meal planning for two weeks and this week I didn't, even though I have been off work and really have no excuses. But we have been eating at home so that's a win. Hoping to be able to do next week's meal plan tomorrow so I can grocery shop Friday when I go to my follow up appointment while Logan is at daycare but I am moving away from my original reason for writing tonight.

Being a mom is kind of indescribable. It encompasses too much almost. Many days I feel like I just get lost in the shuffle but then this little human that Matt and I created smiles and laughs because I am sniffling (yes really he thinks this is the funniest thing ever) and it kind of feels like everything falls into place. Life as a mom is nothing like I imagined but everything I thought it could be if that makes sense. It still blows my mind that I am responsible for another human life and makes me worry about EVERYTHING. I worry about things that I have never even thought about before. I check his breathing 4 or 5 times a night still. I worry I feed him too much or not enough. I worry when he spits up if it means something else is going on. I worry his sinus drainage he has had going on for a few weeks now is something more. I worry if we really needed to switch to soy formula. I lay awake at night thinking about these things but then the image of Logan "dancing" to All About That Bass by Megan Trainor and Shake It Off by Taylor Swift pops into my head and the cares and worries melt away. Because when it comes down to it, Matt and I are both learning and mistakes are bound to be made, but everything we do for our little guy is out of love. And to me that is what matters most.