Determined and Worn Down

I am determined to change my life but day after day I find myself worn out and tired. Maybe it is because of the physical shape I am in or maybe it is because I feel like I am fighting the battle to get somewhere better alone. I know and feel that I am not alone in the spiritual sense but Matt and I have been fighting the distance battle. The emotional distance battle. We find ourselves sitting in the living room watching TV or a movie and playing on the computer/tablet/phone and not really communicating. I have expressed how I feel about this towards Matt and he understands but I find myself exhausted after work and feeling like I have so much to do that I tell myself that cuddling as we fall asleep is enough. But it isn't. It is far from enough. We seem to always start talking as we are getting into bed and it frustrates me that this is when he chooses to talk when we need to sleep (he gets up at 4 AM and with the crazy weather here we never know what our 45 minute commute will bring these days). He is trying and I am trying but habits are hard to break, we have lived together for 4 years and been together for 4 and a half so we have become very comfortable with each other. This is what I always wanted and prayed for in a relationship,  to be totally at ease and feel no need to put on a show or pretend to be someone I wasn't with someone. And sometimes I love that Matt and I can just be together and feel no need to talk or be engaged with each other. But when it becomes a constant state of being in our house, it makes me sad. And our financial situation has only made things worse. Causing constant tension and hostility. I am trying to include him in more conversations but it is hard when he seems totally disinterested. It is a slow process, a rebuilding of communication. Marriage is work. Though we struggle now, the work we put in will be worth it in the long run. We made a commitment and nothing will ever change that.

This weekend I have just stayed home and it has been awesome. I got a lot of housework done, Matt worked and helped someone move yesterday so I was able to crunch a lot of budget numbers to talk with him about when he got home. Today we slept in and are spending the day watching movies and then the Superbowl and pigging out, the traditional American thing lol. Just because. I still have one more day off and hope to do some organizing.

Also winter sucks......

101 Things to do in 2014

Here is the list so far:

101 Things to Do in 2014

1. Spend a romantic weekend with Matt

2. Type up half of journals

3. Go to Las Vegas

4. Take a day trip to Chicago

5. Have a girls night out

6. Go to Binder Park Zoo

7. Go to a zoo I have not visited

8. Go to the beach

9. Go camping

10. Try out meal planning for one whole month

11. Pay off both credit cards

12. Try 5 new recipes

13. Try 5 new crockpot recipes

14. Reorganize music on laptop

15. Host a game night

16. Read 5 books of the Bible

17. Read 20 Fiction books

18. Read 5 Finance books (1/5) (Jan 18)

19. Read 5 Christian books

20. Read 5 Nonfiction books (1/5) (Jan 18)

21. Read 5 Memoirs

22. Visit family in Traverse City

23. Recover my blankie

24. Start to learn how to sew

25. Make blanket with old t-shirts

26. Back up my computer

27. Try out a funky color in my hair

28. Make homemade treats for dog

29. Make homemade treats for cats

30. Watch 35 movies I have never seen before (5/35) (Jan 17)

31. See 3 movies in the theatre

32. Start a journal

33. Write 10 notes to friends and family for no particular reason

34. Know all family birthdays and have them recorded on calendar for future years

35. Organize spare bedroom

36. Start walking the dog again

37. Hang up 5 more picture frames

38. Go garage saleing

39. Spend a night at the cottage

40. Carve a pumpkin

41. Volunteer at the animal shelter

42. Organize clothes

43. Watch a sunrise

44. Watch a sunset

45. Play a new game

46. Sort through hope chest

47. Do something with Matt that neither of us has done

48. Give some stuff away

49. Buy a grill

50. Start to look into taking classes

51. Blog four times a month

Only 50 more to go!

A New Year, An Improved Me

I have never liked the idea of "A New Year, A New You." I don't want to be totally different I want to be better, to make improvements, not be a totally different person. This year I hope to grow closer to God, change our financial situation for the better, to take steps toward being healthier, and to better prioritize my life.

Financially we ended the year on a pretty good note. Not perfect but a lot better than I thought. All the money we received as gifts, we used to fund savings' account. We added to our emergency savings, started a car, vacation, and Christmas savings and started a new savings account for the irregular spending categories in our budget. I also set up direct deposit for this new savings so money will automatically go in there each time I get paid. We are paying extra on our smallest credit card balance and hope to have it paid off by June and then start really attacking the higher credit card balance and have both paid off by the end of the year. Part of this depends on the size of our tax return. We are hoping to be able to finish paying off the smaller balance and put a good chunk toward the higher balance at that time but we shall see. In case you are curious about where we stand in the whole bankruptcy thing at this point, the holidays have held up Matt filing so we are waiting to hear from lawyer that all paperwork is ready to be signed and such. Also started paying the fees for that this month, thankfully they have a monthly payment plan. Really anxious to get Matt filed and be done with this and put it behind us as best we can and start taking steps to improve Matt's credit. (Update after I started writing this, paperwork is almost complete!)

At the end of December this is how we stood financially:

Debt Balances

Credit Card #1: $435.50

Credit Card #2: $4,116.46

Mariner: $12,924.75

Student Loan #1: $25,080.87 (corrected 2/9/14)

Student Loan #2: $57,328.16

Grand Total: $99, 885.74

Talk about a scary number. We have a mortgage basically and we don't even have a house. We have dug ourselves into this hole by only making minimum payments and making some bad decisions i.e. we spent too much on our vehicle and we never should have gotten a second credit card because we used it when the money ran out instead of planning better. But it happens. I feel guilty that about 3/4 of our debt is my student loans. It is one of the reasons that Matt filing for bankruptcy is the best option, we can't afford to pay his debt because we have to put so much money towards mine.

Here is a breakdown of how much money we spent on variable expenses in December:

Groceries: $440.35

Dining Out: $195.30

Gas: $623.12

Fun: $11.66

Misc: $75.36

Holy Gas Money!! Think most of that is all the travel for holidays and we fell off the car pooling wagon as the month went on. We also had to travel to a funeral. We did better on groceries than in Nov but we spent more on eating out. Guess it sort of balances out....still so far to go but miles from where we started. 

Here is how we did on variable expenses in December:

Car: $461.41

Medical: $15.52

Gifts: $132.98

Clothing: $57.56

Household: $70.55

I was excited when I first started writing this post because I thought I would be able to share that we didn't use a credit card once in December but I was mistaken. Forgot about fixing the Mariner. Some of the work was covered by warranty but still really hurt paying for that. We didn't spend anything on Pets (besides food which is included in grocery) or propane (which I still have to ask my grandparents about the bill). 

Overall in December we went over budget by $469.35 which is basically the car repairs which I felt pretty good about. We still need to really work on reigning in unnecessary spending. I think for financial updates in the blog for this year I am going to focus mainly on our paying down our debt and our progress in that aspect instead of our overall budget, unless there is something I change or feel especially proud of :-D.

In other news I was reading this post over at Pinstrosity and had a revelation. I haven't made resolutions the last couple years for the very reasons she speaks about. So I am going to give this a try, I don't know if I will be able to come up with 101 but I am going to try before February and will post it on here and update on the progress throughout the year. Also I started a devotional at the beginning of the year and have been mostly keeping up on it and started reading Genesis (for the like the 100th time, hoping this time the bible reading sticks!!!). Also started a reading group with some friends to read 16 books that will be coming out as movies this year. Feeling good being busy again. This post has taken me over a week to write already so think it is about time to wrap it up. Will try to post about these other things this weekend.

Typical End of the Year Feelings

Oh December we meet again. A mere 2 days until another new year. I find myself at the end of the year always wondering where the time went? What did I really accomplish this year? But most importantly, I want the next year to be better. I haven't been very good at accomplishing this the past few years. I have mostly been content to stay where I am physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc etc etc. I don't want to be like that. I want to change and make myself better. I want to not be content with what is but be happy with what I have. When I actually write it like that it sounds strange and maybe like those two things don't even fit together. But I want them to. One thing that I have been able to make progress on is in our financial life. Though we haven't stuck strictly to a budget we have been able to cut spending significantly and even start savings. There have been a couple times when we had to use savings for various things but for the most part we have at least a little money in there. In 2014 we are going to do a few things differently which I will talk about in another post probably. But other than finances I feel kind of stuck. We started trying for a baby in September and I was doing really well tracking my cycles and paying attention to ovulation signs and then after a couple months I got frustrated and sad. I know there are many women out there who struggle with infertility and I feel bad saying I got frustrated after a couple months (my best friend tried for 2ish years before they got pregnant with their miracle). But it is how I feel. And so we decided to just not try and not prevent which in reality is still trying I suppose. I guess this was more my decision than hubby's. I stopped tracking just watching for a late period. They have been late a couple times and I got all hopeful and then was crushed seeing the negative test. I never thought I would be like that I thought I would be content with what happens but it makes me worried that something is wrong (even though I know on a logical level this is very unlikely at this point, it has only been 3 cycles of trying, a drop in the bucket for people who have struggled with infertility). I repeat I know that we are just starting and these things can take time but my impatience seems to really shine through in this aspect of life.

Christmas has come and gone. I started this post before Christmas and have yet to finish it. I have these jumbles of thoughts in my head about where I want to be at this time next year and what I need to do to get there. I want to be on our way to being debt free. I think that is definitely #1. It is something that has weighed heavily on me for the last half of this year and I am delving even deeper in the new year. Getting organized for that, celebrating Christmas with family and just mentally preparing for that ball drop is what occupies my time as the year comes to a close. It may seem strange I have to mentally prepare for a ball drop but each year it makes me feel more and more like a failure. Which I know I am not. The last few years I haven't made resolutions partly because I didn't want to let myself down and partly because quite frankly I was lazy and didn't want to try and achieve anything. That is sad but true. This year I still don't necessarily want to make New Years resolutions but I want to have goals to strive for throughout the year. I need to re-prioritize my life. My main goals this year are going to be financial but I also want to take baby steps in other areas. I want to start exercising, make more time for friends and family, and start volunteering. I want to do good in the world and take more time to try new things and things that I enjoy. I want to organize my house and get rid of clutter, seeing as we don't have a little one on the way might as well make time to better prepare my home for a little one when the time comes. I have so many ideas, it is hard to pin them down into a list. I have created a list of financial goals for the year so I will include those here but hoping to create lists for the other things I want to do as well at some point in January. Running out of time to finish it before the 1st but it will be done.

2014 Financial Goals

• Have $1000 in Emergency Fund
• Save $1000 for Vegas Vacation in July
• Save $1000 for new car fund (currently 1 car family as Matt's car is once again overheating)
• Pay off both of our credit cards (Combined balance of $4551.96 as of the end of this month)
• After credit cards are paid off, make more than the minimum payment on all other debt.
• Do not accumulate more debt (this one depends if we have to buy a new car)
• Tithe 5% by the end of the year (Starting January at 1%)

I plan on posting about our new way of handling finances hopefully this weekend and sharing actually how much debt we have eek! Scary but I need to be accountable even if it is to the unknown blog world (and the couple of friends who read this). Well I need to head to work (yes at McDonalds once again as we have only one car)

Happy New Year!

Nov 2013 Financials and New Years Resolutions

In the name of accountability and starting a new way of living financially I wanted to share some of the numbers from November for our budget. One of my resolutions for the New Year is going to be analyzing our financials at the end of each month to figure out where we are messing up and can improve. Making the budget for December, I realized how much tighter things are going to actually be around here and Matt finally realized it too. We went to the movies today and sadly it may be the only fun thing we get to go out and do that costs money this month. Thankfully December is a month of family get-togethers, meals, and general fun in our families. Yes most of that happens at the end of the month but anticipating it is half the fun. This year on Christmas Eve for the 25th year in a row (yes that is my whole life) I will gather with my Mom's side of the family for Mass and dinner and presents. There are no longer any small children but somehow we still have a night filled with laughter and joy and with a little one on the way it once again feels magical. Matt and I get to wake up on Christmas morning with our 2 kitties and our (overgrown puppy) dog and then go to my parents for cinnamon rolls, hot chocolate, presents and comfortable happiness. We will also spend the weekend before celebrating with Matt's parents and brother and sister, the weekend after celebrating with the extended family on my mom's side and with my dad's family, and the following weekend with Matt's extended family on his dad's side. So much family in so little time. I love it. Couldn't ask for anything better. To let go of the old year and bring in the new one surrounded by these awesome people God blessed me with in this life.

Here are the numbers(bear with me on the formatting, too lazy to do a screenshot but still wanted a table):

total spent		$479.74	$157.22	$632.78	$136.76
budgeted		$300.00	$70.00	$390.00	$80.00
difference		-$179.74	-$87.22	-$242.78	-$56.76

groceries

dining out

gas

Misc

Now let me point out that we have other categories in our budget, these are just the monthly variable ones that we struggled with the most. 

The thing is for the most part, we have cut way back on groceries, so still being close to $200 over kind of shocked me. But hopefully the groceries I bought at the end of November will mostly last until a couple weeks into December and we can make up for it. Because of this overage though I did add a $50 dollar cushion for December. Here is a look back at grocery spending the last few months:

October: $406.51 (again could be higher as I fell off the wagon at the end of this month)

September: $441.64

August: $455.69

July:$371.53 

Dining out is also something we have cut way back on. Lets take a look back:

October: $215.78 (fell off the tracking wagon at the end of that month so it may have been higher). 

September: $323.07

August: $388.51

July:$308.02

Gas. What can I say, we didn't really plan very well obviously. My husband and I both commute ~30 miles to work, so ~60 miles round trip, 5 days a week. As I mentioned before though we have started car pooling when possible to cut back on miles. This is one of our categories that is hard to cut because we have to work. For December I added $110 to this category. Another look back:

October: $491.40 (probably higher as I fell off tracking wagon, may have to figure out closer to actual numbers as this is a pretty big discrepancy)

September: $579.10

August: $736.46

July:$731.84 

Misc. This is where we put all that random stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else. Stops at the gas station, newspapers, cash for Matt for work snacks and other stuff. This is a category where Matt does a little bit more spending than I do. I drink coffee from home in the morning and normally eat something for breakfast as well. Many times Matt doesn't think about caffeine or food until he is out the door so he will stop. He used to do it without even thinking but now that I have shown him how much money it actually is, he gets cash out and uses that until it is gone, normally a week to a week and a half. This has helped tremendously as evidenced by these numbers:

October: $188.45

September: $825.51 (Note: This is when I was just expense tracking and so many more categories are probably included that I have since further divided using Pear Budget. Goes for the next two months as well)

August: $530.81

July: $353.19

I guess what it all comes down to is for us the budget thing is definitely still a work in a progress. The last couple months when I set it up I thought I would be at least close to what we would actually do and that hasn't happened so much. So I keep starting over. For December I have changed some of the numbers and categories. I lumped stuff into a smaller amount of categories for the variable expenses as well.  Here is what the December Budget looks like:

Regular Expenses	=			$ Spent Per Month
rent	=			$350.00
insurance	=			$160.00
utilities	=			$240.00
student loan	=			$330.00
donations	=			$20.00
credit card	=			$145.00
bankruptcy	=			$150.00
savings	=			$50.00
car payment	=			$251.00
0__________________
Irregular Expenses	=			$ Spent Per Month
car	=			$110.00
medical	=			$10.00
gifts	=			$25.00
propane	=			$225.00
clothing	=			$15.00
pets	=			$15.00
household	=			$20.00
0
Variable Expenses	=			$ Spent Per Month
groceries	=			$350.00
dining out	=			$25.00
car gas	=			$500.00
fun	=			$25.00
misc.	=			$25.00

Bankruptcy....

Scary. Nerve-racking. Stress and anxiety inducing. Just some of the words I would use to describe how I feel as we start the process of Matt filing for bankruptcy. I feel like I have been on a roller coaster the last couple of weeks and that there isn't an end to close in sight. Part of my problem is the fact that I have been reading so much on bankruptcy and how awful and terrible it truly is and that it should only be a last resort. I have questioned over and over if it is really at that point....and at this moment I am 99.9% sure that it is. If you would of asked last weekend I would have said only 50%. My emotions and brain have varied that much and fought with each other constantly. I would definitely call it a war against myself. Matt and I have talked about it a lot but I have spent even more time reading from all sorts of sources, government websites, legal websites, blogs, articles, newspapers, and the list goes on. I still plan to do more reading once I can get to the library. I want to move on and recover from this as quickly as possible.

Started reading a Dave Ramsey book and a book by Wall Street Journal about recovering from financial blows. The Dave Ramsey book I believe is from the 90s (slim pickings at the local library) but it is more about his philosophy and I figured it was a good place to start. I want to take control of our finances and not let this bankruptcy thing ruin our lives. I found in all my searching of the internet via Google, other various search engines, and even Pinterest that there was very little about bankruptcy from a personal perspective. People are, in my own opinion, afraid to admit where they are in life and what that means. Sharing something like "I am declaring bankruptcy" seems like something shameful which is another thing I have felt on my roller coaster of emotions. But I don't necessarily think that it is something shameful, in this economy especially. It just seems scary to me that Matt and I both work full time and there is no other real solution to this problem. The debt just hangs there. 

In our case we decided bankruptcy was the best option for the following reasons:

1. Unreasonable collections agent. We tried multiple times to work with this lawyer who was trying to collect the debt on behalf of the finance company where Matt had the loan for the truck that was repossessed. He was completely unreasonable even though we showed him point by point there was no more money than what we were giving him. He proceeded to take further legal action after reaching a judgement without ever contacting my husband. So we could either get an attorney and fight it out in court (spending who knows how much on legal fees), try debt management (where the payments are completely ridiculous for years on end) or file bankruptcy and have the debts settled and make some ridiculous payments for a smaller amount of time.
2. Only Matt has to file. I know this may seem like I am putting the blame on my husband and if you think that you are totally misunderstanding what I mean by this. I just mean that at least one of us will still have (semi) decent credit in case of emergencies. Everyone makes mistakes, mine were different than Matt's. He made stupid financial decisions, I made stupid decisions about who I spent time with and what I was doing with my life. And my stupid financial decisions are part of the reason bankruptcy is the best option as well. All of my debt that we are able to pay but no other money to pay his debts. My husband is willing to bear this mark on his credit so that we can have a better life in the future. To me that is true sacrifice and one of the reasons I love him.  
3. Wanting to move past this. I understand that bankruptcy will affect us for years to come but in all honesty we were not planning to buy a house for at least 3 years. Yes we may have to extend that out further now. But we don't know where we want to settle and in this case it is best we don't make a big decision like that quickly. I have done tons of research and know what will need to be done to bring his credit back and we are willing to go through that together. 






For some people these reasons may make no sense whatsoever. In all honesty that kind of bothers me. That is the judgement people place upon those deciding to declare bankruptcy. People can think what they want but going through this brings me to a better place and makes me more understanding of those in dire financial situations. I praise God that Matt and I's situation is not worse and I know it could be far worse. 


Right now we are at the point in the process where we have given the attorney all of the financial information and waiting to see if he qualifies for Ch 7 (total bankruptcy) or Ch 13 (where part of the debt ends up bring repaid in installments). This depends on where we fall with the median income in Michigan. We have to get copies of a couple more things to the lawyer then we will hopefully know when he will be able to file. We are shooting for December because we want to stop making payments to the collection agent without causing too much trouble.


Currently in the process of overhauling our budget once again as well. Have learned we spend more on gas than I had originally thought plus want to reconcile budget with number we gave to lawyer. 


Pray that we have peace through this journey....

Sometimes Staying On Track Isn't What is Most Important

What I was writing started earlier this(which has now become last) week as an update as to how I was doing on changing my lifestyle and getting healthier. Well when I weighed myself (last) Tuesday, I at first thought I had gained the 4 lbs I lost back but then realized that I was in much heavier clothes. I maintained. Which isn't a failure by any measure but I was slightly disheartened. Which also describes the way I felt when I took a pregnancy test on Friday and it was negative. I know that I should not feel this way yet I can't help it. 

And now that I have moved into and almost out of this week, I never did weigh myself except maybe on Sunday and I was up a couple of pounds. My focus has been all over lately. At work it is hard to concentrate, at home I just want to sleep, and I just can't find the same amount of motivation I had 2 weeks ago. Wanting to be healthy for our future family should be enough. It is enough. I was about to type "but." I don't want to make excuses, I want to make changes especially since period is in full swing (cramps and all) and I am definitely not pregnant this cycle. I need to walk a few times a week, eat more vegetables, eat less crap and drink less caffeine. Let's go back to these original goals:

Lifestyle Change Goals

• Track what I am eating everyday no matter how junky. Hold myself accountable. When I have a bad day, don't let it defeat me and start over the next day. Have totally fallen off the wagon on this one....not sure if there is a better way to do it or what. It's just having to figure out calories in recipes and measuring gets very old very quickly for me. For this reason I have seriously debated trying the 17 Day Diet. Where I am given a list of foods I can have and how my meals should look instead of tracking calories.
• Take the stairs more. Even just going down them. Face it going up them in my shape might kill me. Again kind of fell off the wagon, everyone I work with uses the elevator so when walking out with them I feel bad. Which isn't really a great excuse but it is truth. I need to find other ways to move. Like playing outside with the dog, doing exercise DVDs and maybe being a mooch and going next door to walk on treadmill when weather is awful.
• Park further out in the parking lot even if the front row spot is available. The parking lot is about half a block from where I work to begin with so I don't feel as bad about falling off the wagon on this one. But I do need to park further out when I park at stores and such just to add a little more movement. I want to be able to at least do light exercise if get pregnant so I should be in those habits now but I am not pregnant yet so still time to add in these habits. 
• Invest in some sort of activity tracker in the next month or so. So I can see how much I am moving and challenge myself to do more. We have had some financial stuff going on in our household that is probably going to prevent this from happening anytime in the near future. Will touch on this in financial update.
• Walk the dog at least 3 times a week. No excuses. Even if just for 5 minutes. With my utter hate of cold weather this is just not going to happen this winter. I do hope to be outside with the dog a little more, play some fetch, run around with him and such. 
• Be under 300 lbs by the end of 2013. (Baby steps I know but I have to start somewhere) This is still the goal, still have just under 2 months to lose about 10 lbs (at least I weighed 310 on Sunday so I think that is what I still weigh)

Looking at this list and thinking about how I felt when I made it (hopeful, determined) and how I feel now (completely unmotivated) makes me wonder what has happened to make me this way. To make me content with being fat and unhealthy in general and not want to achieve goals. I worked to graduate high school, I worked to graduate college, I worked to find a job (though towards the end of that journey I felt utterly hopeless and worn down as I kind of do now). Why can't I find the drive to be healthy? Been spending a lot of time in prayer (on drives, at work, at night when I can't sleep, really any time I stop and actually have to think about things) because life overwhelms me and I have to pour out my heart or it will become too heavy. 

Part of the reason for this heaviness is our mess with debt lately. We have come to rely on credit cards when money runs low, when really we should be planning so that money lasts for what we need , not what we want. I will point out that one week into November the budget is working out very well. There was extra money in the checking even before Matt got paid today and it was a really wonderful feeling. I was able to pay bills this morning without a struggle. But over our heads hangs some debt that Matt has (from before we met) that we have no ability to do anything about. And recently a truck that he had repossessed (like 7 years ago), they have started trying to collect on the debt. The lawyer initially sued but we set up a payment plan to have a judgment issued, but now more aggressive action is being taken. This prompted us to consult with a lawyer and look at our options which led us to come to a decision that has ups and downs. There is no real right solution in this case in my opinion but there is a solution that moves us on into the next phase. Matt is going to file bankruptcy. I never thought this would be a part of our lives, I thought we could make it work but in reality, we just are not in the place financially to deal with it and they want action now. So depending on how much we have to pay to start that process, our budget may take a slight hit but I am going to work to stay on budget as much as possible. Hopefully we will still be able to keep on track for our goals though one or two may have to be extended out if additional money is needed for bankruptcy filing and such. To have this burden lifted from our shoulders will be really helpful I think for our relationship and for Matt especially as he has always felt guilty about bringing this into our lives. I have told him over and over that, this is where we are and people make mistakes and sometimes things are out of our control (the other chunk of his debt is medical bills because of being dropped by insurance after having cataracts surgery).

Sometimes I feel like our struggles in this life and our work to overcome those struggles is just utterly meaningless which might be why I am struggling to find motivation. But I know on the other hand that if what we do is trust in God and let other people see that, we are witnessing to others just as God has instructed us to do. Now that this post has taken me twoish weeks to write, I feel I should probably post it. Even though part of me still wants to write more and explore more, I guess that is for next time.