Sunday, February 2, 2014

Determined and Worn Down

I am determined to change my life but day after day I find myself worn out and tired. Maybe it is because of the physical shape I am in or maybe it is because I feel like I am fighting the battle to get somewhere better alone. I know and feel that I am not alone in the spiritual sense but Matt and I have been fighting the distance battle. The emotional distance battle. We find ourselves sitting in the living room watching TV or a movie and playing on the computer/tablet/phone and not really communicating. I have expressed how I feel about this towards Matt and he understands but I find myself exhausted after work and feeling like I have so much to do that I tell myself that cuddling as we fall asleep is enough. But it isn't. It is far from enough. We seem to always start talking as we are getting into bed and it frustrates me that this is when he chooses to talk when we need to sleep (he gets up at 4 AM and with the crazy weather here we never know what our 45 minute commute will bring these days). He is trying and I am trying but habits are hard to break, we have lived together for 4 years and been together for 4 and a half so we have become very comfortable with each other. This is what I always wanted and prayed for in a relationship,  to be totally at ease and feel no need to put on a show or pretend to be someone I wasn't with someone. And sometimes I love that Matt and I can just be together and feel no need to talk or be engaged with each other. But when it becomes a constant state of being in our house, it makes me sad. And our financial situation has only made things worse. Causing constant tension and hostility. I am trying to include him in more conversations but it is hard when he seems totally disinterested. It is a slow process, a rebuilding of communication. Marriage is work. Though we struggle now, the work we put in will be worth it in the long run. We made a commitment and nothing will ever change that.

This weekend I have just stayed home and it has been awesome. I got a lot of housework done, Matt worked and helped someone move yesterday so I was able to crunch a lot of budget numbers to talk with him about when he got home. Today we slept in and are spending the day watching movies and then the Superbowl and pigging out, the traditional American thing lol. Just because. I still have one more day off and hope to do some organizing.

Also winter sucks......