Sometimes Staying On Track Isn't What is Most Important

What I was writing started earlier this(which has now become last) week as an update as to how I was doing on changing my lifestyle and getting healthier. Well when I weighed myself (last) Tuesday, I at first thought I had gained the 4 lbs I lost back but then realized that I was in much heavier clothes. I maintained. Which isn't a failure by any measure but I was slightly disheartened. Which also describes the way I felt when I took a pregnancy test on Friday and it was negative. I know that I should not feel this way yet I can't help it. 

And now that I have moved into and almost out of this week, I never did weigh myself except maybe on Sunday and I was up a couple of pounds. My focus has been all over lately. At work it is hard to concentrate, at home I just want to sleep, and I just can't find the same amount of motivation I had 2 weeks ago. Wanting to be healthy for our future family should be enough. It is enough. I was about to type "but." I don't want to make excuses, I want to make changes especially since period is in full swing (cramps and all) and I am definitely not pregnant this cycle. I need to walk a few times a week, eat more vegetables, eat less crap and drink less caffeine. Let's go back to these original goals:

Lifestyle Change Goals

• Track what I am eating everyday no matter how junky. Hold myself accountable. When I have a bad day, don't let it defeat me and start over the next day. Have totally fallen off the wagon on this one....not sure if there is a better way to do it or what. It's just having to figure out calories in recipes and measuring gets very old very quickly for me. For this reason I have seriously debated trying the 17 Day Diet. Where I am given a list of foods I can have and how my meals should look instead of tracking calories.
• Take the stairs more. Even just going down them. Face it going up them in my shape might kill me. Again kind of fell off the wagon, everyone I work with uses the elevator so when walking out with them I feel bad. Which isn't really a great excuse but it is truth. I need to find other ways to move. Like playing outside with the dog, doing exercise DVDs and maybe being a mooch and going next door to walk on treadmill when weather is awful.
• Park further out in the parking lot even if the front row spot is available. The parking lot is about half a block from where I work to begin with so I don't feel as bad about falling off the wagon on this one. But I do need to park further out when I park at stores and such just to add a little more movement. I want to be able to at least do light exercise if get pregnant so I should be in those habits now but I am not pregnant yet so still time to add in these habits. 
• Invest in some sort of activity tracker in the next month or so. So I can see how much I am moving and challenge myself to do more. We have had some financial stuff going on in our household that is probably going to prevent this from happening anytime in the near future. Will touch on this in financial update.
• Walk the dog at least 3 times a week. No excuses. Even if just for 5 minutes. With my utter hate of cold weather this is just not going to happen this winter. I do hope to be outside with the dog a little more, play some fetch, run around with him and such. 
• Be under 300 lbs by the end of 2013. (Baby steps I know but I have to start somewhere) This is still the goal, still have just under 2 months to lose about 10 lbs (at least I weighed 310 on Sunday so I think that is what I still weigh)

Looking at this list and thinking about how I felt when I made it (hopeful, determined) and how I feel now (completely unmotivated) makes me wonder what has happened to make me this way. To make me content with being fat and unhealthy in general and not want to achieve goals. I worked to graduate high school, I worked to graduate college, I worked to find a job (though towards the end of that journey I felt utterly hopeless and worn down as I kind of do now). Why can't I find the drive to be healthy? Been spending a lot of time in prayer (on drives, at work, at night when I can't sleep, really any time I stop and actually have to think about things) because life overwhelms me and I have to pour out my heart or it will become too heavy. 

Part of the reason for this heaviness is our mess with debt lately. We have come to rely on credit cards when money runs low, when really we should be planning so that money lasts for what we need , not what we want. I will point out that one week into November the budget is working out very well. There was extra money in the checking even before Matt got paid today and it was a really wonderful feeling. I was able to pay bills this morning without a struggle. But over our heads hangs some debt that Matt has (from before we met) that we have no ability to do anything about. And recently a truck that he had repossessed (like 7 years ago), they have started trying to collect on the debt. The lawyer initially sued but we set up a payment plan to have a judgment issued, but now more aggressive action is being taken. This prompted us to consult with a lawyer and look at our options which led us to come to a decision that has ups and downs. There is no real right solution in this case in my opinion but there is a solution that moves us on into the next phase. Matt is going to file bankruptcy. I never thought this would be a part of our lives, I thought we could make it work but in reality, we just are not in the place financially to deal with it and they want action now. So depending on how much we have to pay to start that process, our budget may take a slight hit but I am going to work to stay on budget as much as possible. Hopefully we will still be able to keep on track for our goals though one or two may have to be extended out if additional money is needed for bankruptcy filing and such. To have this burden lifted from our shoulders will be really helpful I think for our relationship and for Matt especially as he has always felt guilty about bringing this into our lives. I have told him over and over that, this is where we are and people make mistakes and sometimes things are out of our control (the other chunk of his debt is medical bills because of being dropped by insurance after having cataracts surgery).

Sometimes I feel like our struggles in this life and our work to overcome those struggles is just utterly meaningless which might be why I am struggling to find motivation. But I know on the other hand that if what we do is trust in God and let other people see that, we are witnessing to others just as God has instructed us to do. Now that this post has taken me twoish weeks to write, I feel I should probably post it. Even though part of me still wants to write more and explore more, I guess that is for next time.