I'm not even sure where to begin. Today was a tough day, I have never struggled on Mother's Day like I did today. Though to be honest, for the past few weeks especially, I have been struggling through most days. Waking up when the kids wake up means I rush around to get them changed, get breakfast (mostly composed of crackers or dry cereal), sit them in the living room in front of cartoons then grab something for myself to eat and join them. Then I just sit there with them, playing on my phone, cuddling with them until about lunch time. Occasionally I start a load of dishes or laundry, but for the past week, dirty laundry carpeted our bathroom and bedroom and baskets (like 5-6) full of clean laundry sat in the living room to be rummaged through when necessary. If I have to work I get the kids around, get dressed and get out the door. I come home and the kids are in bed and I sit and stare at screens some more, eat something (after only eating crap all day i.e. pop, chips, candy....etc), and eventually drift off to sleep on the couch then head to bed. If I don't have to work, most afternoons typically resemble the morning. 

I have climbed into the dark cave and made myself comfortable there. Even though my head keeps trying to tell me this is not a life well lived, this is not contentment and peace but just plain laziness. I want so much to be different changed. And again I know that action will lead to that peace and contentment I have longed to feel for so long but I'm terrified. Terrified that even if I try to change it won't work out, I will fail because that is what I do. I quit my decent paying full time job for a crappy paying part time one and now we are in debt to our eyeballs and struggling to make ends meet. Like really struggling, where we had to borrow money from my parents to buy groceries last week. I feel like our checking has overdrafted at least once every month since we moved into our house sometimes more than once. Our credit cards are maxed out. We are drowning. I interviewed for a full time job and am terrified that I messed that interview up as well. My stomach hurts just writing this. It brings so much stress and anxiety. 

Our marriage is going down that twisty path to trouble again as well. We yell almost every day about something and fight about money and the kids constantly. We left the grocery store without groceries last night because I said we couldn't afford to buy the pop on sale, I couldn't handle it. I walked out, we didn't speak last night and have barely spoken today. He informed my family today that I let the kids walk all over me. That one really hurt. I don't even know how I am supposed to respond to that.

Today, on Mother's Day I got up early, went to work, made 2 trips to the store, changed multiple poopy diapers(because my 3 year old refuses to use a potty, just another fail on the list), did dishes, took out the trash, and did not receive any recognition of the day from my husband. NOTHING. All because of pop. All because we bought this stupid house and I had to go to stupid college (and get into debt up to my eyeballs) and waste my degree working at a drug store because I thought somehow it would make me a better mom. And the funny thing is, I think I am a worse mom now. I just want the kids to leave me alone most of the time, I'm angry constantly, completely impatient and irrational, and I just let it happen. I just watch the world go by as I sit here. 

My best friend had her beautiful daughter yesterday, her second miracle baby after struggling with infertility, and I am just so overjoyed for her and her family but also a little jealous. I know she is in this blissful bubble full of newborn snuggles and overwhelming joy and I am stuck in this dark place that I have made my home. I keep praying and worshiping God, trying to get out but I just can't except in brief moments. I feel so alone.