The last 6 months have in retrospect kind of flown by and are already starting to blur. The late nights, the lack of showers, clothes covered in spit up and drool, the (sometimes seemingly endless) crying, and the disaster of a house. Some of these things still remain, mainly the messy house. But I experienced all of this with a heaviness unexplained in my heart and a cloud over my head. The cloud still hovers. I struggled and continue to struggle with postpartum depression. Those two ugly words no mom wants to face. The shame and the guilt of knowing I have this little blessing in my life and all I can feel some days is anger, sadness and loneliness makes me feel like a terrible person all around. In all reality I have never really felt so alone, I thought I was joining a club but for me that isn't how it has felt. I feel alone and broken and never good enough for anyone. I feel inadequate as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I have felt no room to let people in, I feel filled up with emptiness.
The days all blur together. The first 3 months were especially hazy. I thought it was just mommy blues but they didn't go away like I thought they would. I had more help than I could of ever asked for and yet I was failing. I fell into the deep pit telling me I was worthless and useless and would never be good enough. I still have moments where I feel that especially in my marriage. Matt has had an especially hard time coping with my emotions and understanding that I don't want to feel this way. He tries to help but often times I lash out because of the way he approaches me. I desperately want to feel something again. And when Logan giggles or smiles at me after a long day at work I do feel something. I feel that love that everyone talks about, that overwhelming, all consuming love for another human being. But in the moments,the hard moments, I feel like a total failure and just turn inward.
Our son didn't even get a visit from the Easter bunny on his very first Easter. I was too overwhelmed to even decide what to buy him. Thursday night after a visit to urgent care we went to Walgreens to get a prescription and that was really when it hit me that I didn't buy Logan anything for Easter, no special outfit, no new toys, nothing. I broke down Saturday night and Matt said that we could still go get him something but I had already failed in my mind so it was pointless. Then Easter morning when we stopped at my parent's on our way to Easter dinner with my in-laws my mom asked me what the Easter bunny brought Logan and I said nothing. She looked at me and said "Nothing?" and I said "No, nothing." She looked at me with this look that cut through my heart, I knew in that moment my mom was disappointed for Logan. And I still pretty much felt numb. That is also the moment that I knew I wasn't better like I thought I was.
I want to talk to someone, a counselor, but even finding time for that brings about more anxiety. I know I need it to be a better mom and wife. I am drowning. That is the only way I can describe it. I ask God daily to give me the strength to keep going, to do the best I can for Logan because no matter how I feel, Logan needs his mommy. He 100% depends on me to take care of him and keep him safe and that is one of the only things that gets me through some days. I wasn't prepared for this, I was prepared to be head over heels for our little guy not feeling a nagging resentment every time he wakes me up in the night or I can't figure out what's wrong.
In short this is not what I signed up for.