Thursday, October 15, 2015

Tough Day

Today was a tough day. I had to drop Logan off at daycare and go to work. Which is just like most every other Thursday except it wasn't just another Thursday. Logan turned 1. One year ago I gave birth to our son, It is currently 8:37 PM, one year ago at this time they were closing me up and checking Logan over. I was still pretty much in disbelief. Now one year later I am sitting on the couch, checking my email, writing this and listening to Logan's music play as he sleeps. My heart hurt for most of the day. I just wanted to be with my bubba. I just wanted to see the cute way his nose crunches up when he is really excited and happy about something. I wanted to hear him babble in the back seat in the car. I wanted to kiss his head and smell that baby smell that makes me melt and disappears a little each day. I have been struggling lately in a lot of ways. Mostly just feeling down in general. Maybe it is the cooler weather, maybe it is that I really dread going to work both because I don't really like my job and I just want to be home and explore with Logan. Maybe I am just struggling with next steps. Struggling with loneliness. Just riding the struggle bus (the first world one anyway).

Mom guilt pervades my life. I think for me working full time is what really gets me. I never thought that would be me. And some days it isn't, some days I do need my space but on the other days I just can't wait to pick Logan up and get home and be with him and Matt. It isn't like we do anything special, it is just where I want to be. Tonight I fought the urge to bring Logan into our bed and cuddle him as he fell asleep (which we used to do pretty consistently). I just wanted to watch him sleep, something about the sight of his sweet little face when he sleeps gets me every single time. Such a peace comes over me. I just want that all the time. I want that kind of peace.