Thursday, April 4, 2013

Writing and Reading

"It was a long time before I realized that you don't have to start right, you just have to start. Put pen to paper, allow yourself the freedom to write badly, to get it wrong, stop looking over your own shoulder." -Abigail Thomas, A Three Dog Life
I just finished reading this book and though I didn't really enjoy it all that much, this quote struck me for some reason. Maybe because lately I have been really missing writing and journaling. In high school I remember writing constantly as a way to just say the things I didn't feel comfortable talking about with other people mostly. And it really helped me get through some tough times in my life (well actually what I viewed as tough times but what amounted to overblown teenage drama and hormones lol). I have a whole trapper keeper full of poetry and things I wrote and a couple more journals on top of that. It isn't a definitive chronicle but it paints a pretty clear picture of who I was at that time. These days what I write doesn't paint that clear of a picture. Between this blog and a couple snippets of writings I mostly seem like a woman too wrapped up in herself to really see the big picture. To see that I have not made enough time for people in my life. Not even enough time for my husband. We try to spend time together but normally we wind up wrapped in our own little world. One of us watching TV and the other on the computer or tablet or wrapped up in some other task (coupons, video game etc). That isn't quality time, it is just time passing. I find myself spending most of my day staring at a computer screen either looking for a job, figuring out the financial situation or doing other mindless tasks and I turn around and Matt is home and I don't know what happened to the day. Sad.
I have a job interview tomorrow and I am really hoping it goes well so my days can go back to having a rhythm and what felt like a purpose though I will miss the option of planning my own day, my way. I can not depend on something to change if I stay the same. Even if I don't get this job, or I do or whatever happens, my attitude needs to change. I guess I really just don't know where to start. I have been reading and reading and reading lately. At least for me it would be considered that. I have read 5 books this year which may not seem like a lot but seeing in 2012 I read about 4 total by December (and had only read 1 by October!) that is pretty awesome. I finished A Three Dog Life and started Waiter Rant by Steve Dublanica which so far has made me feel not so alone. The man who wrote it had 3 jobs before he was 30 and then ended up being a waiter with a college education and felt completely disheartened by the entire corporate system. You can read a full review from Goodreads (which is AWESOME if you love to read) if you follow the link, the same for Three Dog Life. But there are just times when having a college education seems useless or pointless because of all the political corporate crap and that is kind of how this guy felt, not exactly but sort of. I guess what I really want is connection. Connection to something outside of myself that gives me hope and I am trying to find that in a book. 
Also writing makes me feel like my thoughts make sense even though I feel that this post is losing its point lol.