Day 9- 30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend

These picture posts always make me sad because I have lost so many pictures from my computer and external hard drive crashing. Ironic that my backup crashed not long after my computer of 4 years did. :( Blah But my favorite picture of my best friend, Jess, is probably one from New Years Eve a few years back or from going to Barnes and Noble at midnight to buy the 7th book.

Both of these pictures are of Jess being who she is, excited and happy about life. She is silly and kind hearted and one of the best friends a girl could ask for. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. There are many more pictures that bring back wonderful, hilarious, happy memories but sadly none of those are at my disposal at the moment.

Answered Prayers

On Tuesday I received the phone call that I have been waiting 1 year and 4 months to receive. I missed it but on my voicemail I hear "Jennifer, I have some good news for you, call me as soon as you get this." Immediately I start freaking out and I call back and soon enough I have been offered a full time position in a lab using my education. I could barely contain myself while on the phone as he was explaining the next steps to me. I get off the phone and immediately rush to Matt and jump on him and hug him screaming "I got it! I got the job!" And then I start to cry, tears of relief and joy. It is only a contract position for 18 months but it is with a respectable company and gives me professional experience which is what almost every other interview seems to think I am lacking.

After my initial joy came the stress and worry as it usually does. We now need another car. I need new clothes. More gas money to spend. Changing my availability at my part time job as I am going to keep it for the time being. Spending less time with Matt and what that means for us. Changing my sleep schedule. And on and on. But I feel beyond blessed and relieved to have finally been given an opportunity to prove my skills and contribute more financially to Matt and I's future. We may be able to move out now and start our lives together as a couple without my parents or sister always around. More opportunities to just be us.

I am feeling sleepy and should have went to bed a while ago as I need to start going to bed earlier blah.

A life beyond these walls....

I sit here in the house I have lived in the majority of the time for the last 13 or so years feeling nervous, stressed, hopeful, excited, tense, and did I mention nervous? Things are changing and and moving forward. I feel the wheels turning in my life. I have an interview for a job I feel confident in performing on Friday morning. I want it so bad. It would mean a new car, moving out of this place and Matt and I being able to start our lives together in our very own home, whether that be an apartment or whatever God has in store. This house will always in my heart be home but I am beyond ready for a place of my own and to run it in my own way. My parents have provided for me in ways that I know some parents would never do. They have welcomed Matt into their home, provided me with food and shelter, and loved me unconditionally. But I need to be on my own, to make decisions, to provide for myself, and make my own mistakes without them there to clean up my mess.

I am trying to not put too much pressure on myself for this job but we need it and I want it. I am nervous and scared beyond belief. This time it feels right, like I am not faking knowing things that I don't necessarily. That there is actually a shot in hell (pardon my French) of my getting this job and a big, welcome change coming into Matt and I's life. For us to live comfortably on our own, maybe not extravagantly but to get by and do it together on our own. To have a 40 hour a week job that will probably exhaust me but allow me to feel accomplished and like I am moving somewhere and not stuck in retail for the rest of my life. I am blessed in so many ways, with wonderful family, friends, the best future husband a girl could ask for, food, shelter, clothing and many many more that I forget to thank God for on a regular basis.

This economy has torn apart my self esteem and made me feel worthless and almost stupid. My feelings may be irrational but they are mine and I own up to them. I learned when I went through therapy never to feel stupid for what you feel, God has a purpose for those feelings. But keeping them bottled up inside, tears you apart. For the last year, I have probably cried at least once a week because I felt worthless and hopeless. It helped and felt therapeutic. I know there are those who suffer far worse than I and struggle with problems far beyond my petty problems and I try to remember those people in my prayers. But my problems are still problems that need to be dealt with before I explode or act them out on someone who doesn't deserve it as I have in the past.

I think I am starting to ramble, feeling sleepy. Need to rest and prepare for interview more tomorrow.......*sigh*

Day 8- 30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 8: A place you've traveled to

I guess I have three choices, my family's Florida road trip when I was 11, my spring break trip with my two roomies and parents to Washington D.C. my sophomore year of college, or my spring break trip to Pennsylvania with my bestie and parents lol. I loved Washington D.C. even though I didn't get to see everything I wanted because of time constraints, I definitely want to go back with Matt because he has never been there and it is something I want to do right at least once. Pennsylvania was fun too, went to Hershey and visited a friend who was living there.

It would definitely be easier to write about where I want to travel.....so many places. I would love to make it to all 50 states someday and maybe even out of the country even if just to Canada, lol. I want to see a true big city and the actual middle of nowhere even though I feel as if I live there most of the time. I would love to see Europe, especially Paris and Rome. I never see myself accomplishing all of this but a girl can dream. Given the choice between buying a house and starting a family and traveling all over, I would pick starting a life right here in the area I grew up. A strange concept to some but I can't imagine leaving this place, my whole life is here even if that seems small and insignificant to some.

This post seems to be changing topics lol, to get back on track, here are some pics from the few travels I have taken :)

After our stint working in the Hershey factory

On our way to DC

After my computer crashed I lost all my pictures and these were all I could find to steal from Facebook. This is just a reminder of how sad my computer crashing makes me for sure. Years of memories just gone, except for some of them that I have printed. Blah....man this just goes from one thing to the next I guess, can't keep my train of thought straight. Brain is tired. That's all for now folks...lol

Directionless

He calms the storm, so that its waves are still -Psalm 107:29 NKJV

I open my devotional that I have been meaning to start a couple of days ago and storms are the first topic. It blew me away. I needed this verse. It is so easy to forget that God is everything and has provided me with everything I have ever needed. To become so wrapped up in what I want and think that I need at this very moment. I have spent much of my time since I began to believe, trying to wrap my head around that and I still struggle every single day. I have plans and think that God should just answer my prayers so that the pain and confusion and just everything can be so much better. Not so....God has this plan which is what people always say but I have seen it. God has used so many things in my life to pull me back or show me something that wasn't clear. The last couple of days I have been in a funk and I can't get out of it. I want to stay in bed, sleep until things get better. Another thing that doesn't work, in order for God to do something, I have to do something.

The will to keep going, keep applying, keep hope, keep faith is so hard to hang on to. I keep losing my grip. Depending on things to just fall into place instead of helping them to get there. I miss the routine that high school and college gave me. I feel like I am wandering, to places I don't want to go back to again. I want to walk with purpose in a direction but really, honestly can not figure out that direction. Some days I just break down and cry, more often now than in the past. Matt and I are getting married in 10 months and I have no idea what we are going to do. Living with my parents is not an option after the marriage, that has pretty much been made clear. Not that I would really want to, at least not for too long, the stress of living here is another thing weighing me down. I want to have hope and faith and know beyond a reasonable doubt that God is moving me towards the greater good here, and somewhere buried inside I do know that. Forgetting has become far too easy. I am not grounded enough in my faith and have known this for quite some time. I need to get back to doing devotionals and reading the Bible, to being proactive about a job, finances, my faith, my relationships even.

After struggling through a couple bouts of depression, I have become familiar with the signs and this feels all too familar even though the cirumstances are completely changed. I have not let a relationship ruin my emotional health, instead I have a relationship that keeps me above the water, someone to hug me, hold me, listen to me babble even though he does not quite understand at all times, he tries and for that I can never thank him enough. I can never thank him enough for saving me. He was there at the perfect moment, hence I know God has a plan. My heart had to shatter so that God, friends, family, faith, hope, and the love of my life could help put it back together and put things in perspective for me. I have not been through the trauma that some have had to experience but the emotional and mental roller coaster I was on for a long time, not too long ago, took its toll. I feel myself slipping back into the black, I am holding on but not for dear life, only enough to stay above water as I said before. I don't know how to convey these feelings to others when most of it is my doing.

I am the one who has not taken life by the reins but instead let it steadily pass by me, floating on contentment which is slightly underlied by disappointment, sadness, and a basic feeling of loss that I can not shake. The words of "Fly Away" by Sugarland came on as I began this and the words resonate so deeply with me as they did a few years ago.

Angel carry me, oh so far away

May my body never touch the ground
And if I promise you that I'll be back someday,

will you set me free so I can fly away?

Day 7- 30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 7: Favorite movies

My tastes in movies vary far and wide. At one end there is my love of football movies and the other is my love for movies that give you a good cry. And I like a little bit of everything in between.

Some of my favorite football movies are Remember the Titans, Friday Night Lights, Rudy, The Blind Side and The Longest Yard. I also have a love for Disney movies especially Beauty and the Beast, all 3 of the Aladdin movies, The Lion King and Hercules. Meet the Robinsons is another great movie. Some of my favorite chick flicks are 27 Dresses, Made of Honor, both of the Sex and the City movies, The Women, Dirty Dancing, and many more.

I also have a list of go to movies for crying.....sad but true lol. A Walk to Remember makes me cry everytime. Others include Terms of Endearment, Titanic, Steel Magnolias, and my newest favorite Fireproof.

I also have to mention Harry Potter, all 7 of them, help to give life to the amazing books. And there are a couple action movies that have caught my attention including Law Abiding Citizen, The Conspirator, Gone in 60 Seconds....and a few more which I am too sleepy to come up with.

There are so many good movies out there, I feel there is no way to narrow it down, this list is in no way complete and someday I may have to render that injustice but for now the pillow calls my name....

Day 6- 30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy

The things that make me most happy are my friends and family and the man I am going to marry so here are some pictures that make me smile :)

Care bears have always made me smile, yes this is a senior picture lol

Probably one of the best pics I have ever seen of myself courtesy of my best friend

Reminds me of the newness and amazing happiness I felt at the beginning of our relationship and reminds me that I should always feel that way because I am so blessed

This makes me smile because it is my best friend, Jess, and because it was her wedding day and thinking of how happy she was makes me look forward to my own wedding and relive the fun of that day

This picture makes me both happy and sad....I miss my Grandpa everyday and did not face his death in time to spend any real quality time with him towards the end, pictures are all I have left. But remembering him makes me smile

Dad and I when I was little, not the best picture but he looks happy, our relationship has its ups and downs but I know that he acts the way he does out of love and protectiveness

Hoping to have more time to blog or feel more of an urge we shall see...