My life as a mom so far

I sit here on the couch with my husband holding my son next to me and Netflix on. This has become our nightly routine and sometimes our routine on weekends during the day. Though we have not really established any sort of routine for our little guy as I hoped we would have while still totally underestimating how tough things would become after our little guy actually arrived, as a family we have fallen into some routines that leave us with a house that is a little messier than I would like and most areas of our life way more disorganized than I would like. But we sit together, sometimes on our phone or computer, sometimes talking about the day or things coming up, watching something on Netflix, feeding, talking to and playing with Logan as the night goes on and sometimes it feels completely perfect and sometimes it feels totally overwhelming. But this is where we are and in its own way it feels right. I am nothing like the mom I imagined I would be and yet I am doing the best I can each and every day. It never feels like enough. But I am learning that it is enough. 

There are bottles in the sink, laundry to be done, clothes to be put away, a nursery that is still not ready for our little guy to actually sleep in, a dirty bathroom and a pile of stuff we need to get rid of in the other room. Oh and did I mention that to do list for organizing our chaos that is on the fridge hasn't had as many things crossed off as I would like? And I did good on meal planning for two weeks and this week I didn't, even though I have been off work and really have no excuses. But we have been eating at home so that's a win. Hoping to be able to do next week's meal plan tomorrow so I can grocery shop Friday when I go to my follow up appointment while Logan is at daycare but I am moving away from my original reason for writing tonight.

Being a mom is kind of indescribable. It encompasses too much almost. Many days I feel like I just get lost in the shuffle but then this little human that Matt and I created smiles and laughs because I am sniffling (yes really he thinks this is the funniest thing ever) and it kind of feels like everything falls into place. Life as a mom is nothing like I imagined but everything I thought it could be if that makes sense. It still blows my mind that I am responsible for another human life and makes me worry about EVERYTHING. I worry about things that I have never even thought about before. I check his breathing 4 or 5 times a night still. I worry I feed him too much or not enough. I worry when he spits up if it means something else is going on. I worry his sinus drainage he has had going on for a few weeks now is something more. I worry if we really needed to switch to soy formula. I lay awake at night thinking about these things but then the image of Logan "dancing" to All About That Bass by Megan Trainor and Shake It Off by Taylor Swift pops into my head and the cares and worries melt away. Because when it comes down to it, Matt and I are both learning and mistakes are bound to be made, but everything we do for our little guy is out of love. And to me that is what matters most.

Logan at 3 Months

I still can't believe our little guy is 3 months old! He is growing so fast. Just seems like  yesterday we were bringing him home from the hospital. 

Now he is our little giggling, smiley faced chunky monkey. That's right he giggled for the first time this month. He hasn't rolled over but he definitely thinks about it. He is wearing mostly 6 month clothes and some 3-6 month clothes still but he is totally out of 3 month clothes. He weighed close to 17 lbs on Jan 9 when I took him to the doctor. Thinking he may be pushing 19 lbs by now. 

We are getting family pictures taken on Sunday along with his 3 month pictures. He loves being talked to and being tickled. He is definitely a morning baby. In fact this morning he was up at 3:30 and didn't want to go back to sleep. 

Speaking of that, he isn't quite sleeping through the night yet. We have had a few nights where we made it through the night but mostly we are still up at least once during the night. Thankfully most of the time he goes right back to sleep. 

Currently I am recovering from having my gallbladder removed, still feeling pretty sore. Logan has been going to daycare so that I can recover. I feel so bad because I can't take care of him properly on my own and want to comfort and cuddle him but can't. Went back to work for two weeks and now am off another two weeks for this surgery which kind of stinks but it had to be done. Hopefully this will help with some of the stomach issues I have been having. 

Well I think I am going to nap and rest some more....

Dear Son

To Our Son,

As I sit here 26 weeks pregnant, feeling you squirm and wiggle and even do acrobatics sometimes I swear, I can't imagine that in October you will be here and we will hold you in our arms. Mommy and Daddy already love you more than you could ever possibly imagine. Over the weekend, Daddy felt you move for the first time and the look on his face is one that I will never forget. You see, your daddy already has a little boy in heaven, your little brother who was taken from this world far to soon and his heart aches with that pain every day. And now that you are coming into this world, he sees it as another chance, a new beginning. You can't replace your little brother but you can start to fill that empty spot in Daddy's heart, just as you are filling a hole in my life that I never knew I had until I saw that positive pregnancy test. This feeling of pure joy, unlike any I had ever experienced before, washed over me in that moment and later in the day when I told Daddy about your existence. All we could do was laugh and cry and hug each other in that moment. Now I spend many days thinking about how much will change when you actually arrive. You are the greatest gift we have ever received and I want you to know some things:

• That you are loved, have been loved since the day you started growing inside of me, and will be loved by us your whole life no matter what.
• That Mom and Dad will make mistakes, we are not perfect
• That life is not fair and sometimes things will be hard
• That Jesus, God's own son, died for your sins and is our Savior.
• That sometimes things in this world do not make sense and all you can do is pray that God is at work in a larger way than we could ever imagine

This is just the beginning of a long list that keeps growing in my head. I mean to write them down but sometimes they float away before I can put them in just the right words. I think above everything else I just want you to be happy, to know God, and to know that you are loved unconditionally. 

___________________________________

I wanted to put this in writing because I thought the words would be easier to find if I was able to think them through first but that doesn't seem to be the case as I sit here still writing this letter 6 weeks later. Mommy has never been that great with words but writing always seemed to help with that problem until I became pregnant with you, now words mostly escape me. I am just in awe that Daddy and I made you and that you are growing and developing inside of me. I thank God every time I feel you move and still don't feel like I am being grateful enough. I think words aren't enough. I hope that when I meet you face to face for the first time and hold you close, you will instinctively know how much I love you. And that as you grow up that love will never change. As the weeks pass, faster and faster it seems, and we get closer to when you will make your entrance into the world I become more anxious and scared but excitement is starting to be the prominent emotion. I teared up this morning on my drive to work just thinking about meeting you and seeing you with Daddy for the first time. It just brings a joy to my heart that really can't be put into words. 

I can't wait to meet you. God has blessed us by making us your parents. We get to raise you and watch you grow and help you along the way. I feel privileged to have been chosen by God to be your mom. And I only hope that you will be able to see that as your grow up even when you may not agree or like the way that I am parenting. 

There is so much I want to say but am still struggling to find the words. Just know that no matter what happens, we will always be here for you, loving you and praying for you.

Love, 
Mom and Dad

New Journey

I know that I have been few and far between with my posts and that I am failing miserably at my Things to Do in 2014 list. I am also failing miserably at to do lists in my own life and keeping up with our finances. But there is a very good reason for this. One that I have been meaning to write about for quite some time but wanted the news to be out in the world before I wrote a post about it that someone might accidentally stumble across. Matt and I found out in February (the same week he got hired in full time) that we have been blessed with a child growing inside of me. Right now this tiny child that Matt and I created is developing and growing inside of me. To say this is strange and amazing and awesome does not even put it into words. This is the other reason I haven't mentioned it and even when writing in my own personal journal I find myself using cliches and trying to come up with just the right words and I have yet to be able to truly do this miracle justice.

When I told Matt (after peeing on 3 pregnancy tests just to be sure because even though we had been trying I honestly could not believe it) I saw the tears spring into his eyes and he said "We're going to parents" with a look I can only describe as pure joy. The last time I saw him that filled with joy was on our wedding day. And before that the day we got engaged. He has been talking about starting a family pretty much since the beginning of our relationship. Matt is already a father to a little boy in heaven and helped to father 3 children that were not his own in past relationships. I am not going to go in great detail as they are not my stories to tell but hearing him tell the stories and the pain in his voice about how having these children basically ripped away from him because of circumstances beyond his control, I can tell you that my husband was meant to be a father and I couldn't ask for a better man to begin my journey into parenthood alongside. In truth, I am terrified. Matt and I knew this was where we were headed from the beginning. Family is important to both of us and starting our own was the natural next step after getting married. But when you pee on that stick and go to the doctor and hear that heartbeat inside of you, it becomes real. Not just a theory or talk anymore. This is going to happen (if it is in God's will for us to meet this miracle). Being a parent, responsible for the life of a child is a big deal. The biggest responsibility we get in this life. And I think being terrified is completely normal because I also love him or her more than I could ever imagine already. 

In case you are curious, I am 15 weeks along on Wednesday or Thursday (not sure of exact day my last period started) and have a due date of October 9. It doesn't seem far away to me at all but yet it seems to be moving along slowly. Maybe that is because it is mostly what I think about or that the days seem to drag together from being tired and lack of motivation. Thankfully morning sickness mostly passed me over, had some nausea in the very beginning but other than that mostly just bloated and gross feeling every time I eat and now starting to get some heartburn as well. I feel like I am starting to get a baby belly but because I am overweight and have always kind of had a beer gut not truly sure lol. I have taken a couple pictures and need to set them side by side. I would love to not gain any weight but not sure if that is going to happen when only certain things are appealing to eat, vegetables not really being one of them, but I am trying. Eating more fruit, walking more, cutting down on portion sizes. Should probably be counting calories and may start that soon. 

Life certainly changes. There are days when I want it to slow down and savor every minute of this pregnancy and there are days I just want it to be October so I can meet the newest member of our family. Hormones definitely mess with your brain....

I do hope to update on our finances for March sometime before the end of this month as we had some exciting progress. But the monthly updates will probably not continue as I think we are going to change our management system to a more paycheck by paycheck basis as I think that would work better for us at this point. I think we are going to try something like this from Creative Savings. But will probably not be implementing that until May, April is a bust at this point. Next OB appointment is May 2 :-) So hopefully will have a financial post and a baby update in the next few weeks if nothing else......we will see how things go I suppose.