A life beyond these walls....

I sit here in the house I have lived in the majority of the time for the last 13 or so years feeling nervous, stressed, hopeful, excited, tense, and did I mention nervous? Things are changing and and moving forward. I feel the wheels turning in my life. I have an interview for a job I feel confident in performing on Friday morning. I want it so bad. It would mean a new car, moving out of this place and Matt and I being able to start our lives together in our very own home, whether that be an apartment or whatever God has in store. This house will always in my heart be home but I am beyond ready for a place of my own and to run it in my own way. My parents have provided for me in ways that I know some parents would never do. They have welcomed Matt into their home, provided me with food and shelter, and loved me unconditionally. But I need to be on my own, to make decisions, to provide for myself, and make my own mistakes without them there to clean up my mess.

I am trying to not put too much pressure on myself for this job but we need it and I want it. I am nervous and scared beyond belief. This time it feels right, like I am not faking knowing things that I don't necessarily. That there is actually a shot in hell (pardon my French) of my getting this job and a big, welcome change coming into Matt and I's life. For us to live comfortably on our own, maybe not extravagantly but to get by and do it together on our own. To have a 40 hour a week job that will probably exhaust me but allow me to feel accomplished and like I am moving somewhere and not stuck in retail for the rest of my life. I am blessed in so many ways, with wonderful family, friends, the best future husband a girl could ask for, food, shelter, clothing and many many more that I forget to thank God for on a regular basis.

This economy has torn apart my self esteem and made me feel worthless and almost stupid. My feelings may be irrational but they are mine and I own up to them. I learned when I went through therapy never to feel stupid for what you feel, God has a purpose for those feelings. But keeping them bottled up inside, tears you apart. For the last year, I have probably cried at least once a week because I felt worthless and hopeless. It helped and felt therapeutic. I know there are those who suffer far worse than I and struggle with problems far beyond my petty problems and I try to remember those people in my prayers. But my problems are still problems that need to be dealt with before I explode or act them out on someone who doesn't deserve it as I have in the past.

I think I am starting to ramble, feeling sleepy. Need to rest and prepare for interview more tomorrow.......*sigh*

Directionless

He calms the storm, so that its waves are still -Psalm 107:29 NKJV

I open my devotional that I have been meaning to start a couple of days ago and storms are the first topic. It blew me away. I needed this verse. It is so easy to forget that God is everything and has provided me with everything I have ever needed. To become so wrapped up in what I want and think that I need at this very moment. I have spent much of my time since I began to believe, trying to wrap my head around that and I still struggle every single day. I have plans and think that God should just answer my prayers so that the pain and confusion and just everything can be so much better. Not so....God has this plan which is what people always say but I have seen it. God has used so many things in my life to pull me back or show me something that wasn't clear. The last couple of days I have been in a funk and I can't get out of it. I want to stay in bed, sleep until things get better. Another thing that doesn't work, in order for God to do something, I have to do something.

The will to keep going, keep applying, keep hope, keep faith is so hard to hang on to. I keep losing my grip. Depending on things to just fall into place instead of helping them to get there. I miss the routine that high school and college gave me. I feel like I am wandering, to places I don't want to go back to again. I want to walk with purpose in a direction but really, honestly can not figure out that direction. Some days I just break down and cry, more often now than in the past. Matt and I are getting married in 10 months and I have no idea what we are going to do. Living with my parents is not an option after the marriage, that has pretty much been made clear. Not that I would really want to, at least not for too long, the stress of living here is another thing weighing me down. I want to have hope and faith and know beyond a reasonable doubt that God is moving me towards the greater good here, and somewhere buried inside I do know that. Forgetting has become far too easy. I am not grounded enough in my faith and have known this for quite some time. I need to get back to doing devotionals and reading the Bible, to being proactive about a job, finances, my faith, my relationships even.

After struggling through a couple bouts of depression, I have become familiar with the signs and this feels all too familar even though the cirumstances are completely changed. I have not let a relationship ruin my emotional health, instead I have a relationship that keeps me above the water, someone to hug me, hold me, listen to me babble even though he does not quite understand at all times, he tries and for that I can never thank him enough. I can never thank him enough for saving me. He was there at the perfect moment, hence I know God has a plan. My heart had to shatter so that God, friends, family, faith, hope, and the love of my life could help put it back together and put things in perspective for me. I have not been through the trauma that some have had to experience but the emotional and mental roller coaster I was on for a long time, not too long ago, took its toll. I feel myself slipping back into the black, I am holding on but not for dear life, only enough to stay above water as I said before. I don't know how to convey these feelings to others when most of it is my doing.

I am the one who has not taken life by the reins but instead let it steadily pass by me, floating on contentment which is slightly underlied by disappointment, sadness, and a basic feeling of loss that I can not shake. The words of "Fly Away" by Sugarland came on as I began this and the words resonate so deeply with me as they did a few years ago.

Angel carry me, oh so far away

May my body never touch the ground
And if I promise you that I'll be back someday,

will you set me free so I can fly away?

Oh the joys of retail....

I love waking up to my mom asking me for shorts to go to the cottage and then realizing I can't go because I have to work....blah. Don't get me wrong I am grateful for my job but some days I really wish I had a M-F job where I could have holidays off. *Sigh* I do need the money though. And it is not like I am alone, Matt has to work tonight so he is staying home to sleep.

That's all I really had to say at this point...just wanted to rant to the internet universe...

Faith in the plan

Days will come when you don't have the strength
and all you hear is you're not worth anything

Everytime this song ("Beautiful" by MercyMe) comes on the radio, it is at that exact point when I need it. I know God is trying to tell me something, especially when I heard it on Thursday after hearing the news of my fiance being let go from his job. I knew the next day would be the kind of day when I wouldn't have the strength to get out of bed unless God pulled me through. I was so utterly devastated, I cried until I couldn't anymore. I understand this is not a real tragedy and that so many others are in a worse position than Matt and I. We have a place to live and food to eat and parents who are there to help us financially bear the burden of this blow. I just felt so overcome with everything weighing on my shoulders that I didn't know what to do but cry and feel everything that I have been trying to avoid. How will we get married with this loss? How will we ever have our own place? How will we pay my student loan payment next month? How will we afford the car insurance we had just purchased that day? It took reminders from my fiance, my parents, my friends, and mostly God that He has brought me through similar situations before. And He will provide again. Keeping the faith and hope alive is the tough part when everything is screaming at you that you are not good enough, you have to hold your head up and keep going on because the song goes on to say

You're beautiful, you're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, you're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

I am God's creation, made in His image. He has a plan for me and as Jess always reminds me, this is the way He is choosing to shape my life and Matt's life for that matter. We have to believe that this difficulty is part of the plan and God's way of continuing to shape me. There are days when I question, like last Thursday when Matt lost his job. I kept saying to Matt "What did we do to deserve this?" and I know that is an unfair question because most people suffering in this economy and around the world do not deserve it. But in my anger I said it. Looking back I feel ashamed of that girl but I was frustrated and know that God forgives me for questioning His will. I will continue to try and follow His will even when I don't fully understand it.

The Future

I started thinking lately that my whole life I have always focused on the future. As a child, all I wanted was to be a teenager in high school with a boyfriend having a great time and feeling my first taste of freedom. High school came and it was nothing as I expected, it was emotionally and physically draining for the most part. All I could think about were boys but only one of them ever felt remotely the same way about me as I did about them. And even that relationship was far from what I pictured. High school taught me to be strong and have good friends to lean on and though it was nothing as I had pictured, it was 4 years that changed me.

Towards the end of high school, all I could think about was college and how amazing it was going to be. Being totally on my own and making new friends and not having to go to school all day every day. There were so many things to look forward to. College came and it was scary and hard and not at all exciting. I discovered that spending so much time in school was what had allowed me to make friendships that lasted a lifetime, in college things aren't like that. You have to start to work to keep friendships and relationships in general. I spent the first few years of college in love with a man who didn't love me back, there was no college romance for me, just heartache and pain and as a man continuously broke my heart and I allowed him to do it. College was not all happy go lucky as I had imagined, it was hard work and lots of stress. Dealing with roommates, classes, finances, and on top of all that finding time for friends and making friends. I came out of college with a few good friends and a degree that so far has gotten me nowhere, more on that later though. The four years I spent in college were probably the hardest, happiest, craziest, most emotional and most life changing so far in my life. I learned to let go. I learned to hold on when its worth it. I learned that God is always there, whether you mess up or not, He will not leave you. There were many points in my college career when I wanted to crawl in bed and give up, emotionally, mentally and physically but I kept going. My faith wavered and then grew strong. God saw me through this time of self doubt, loneliness, depression and also the happiness which mostly came as a light at the end of the tunnel in my last year of college.

Throughout college my greatest hope was to graduate and have a great job lined up and be able to be out on my own within the following year. This want intensified when I met and fell in love with Matt, my fiance. Then suddenly there was white dresses, receptions and engagement photos on my mind along with total independence from my parents. Here I am ten months later, still living at home, working a part time job as a cashier with my fiance just back to work. We are broke and live with my parents. The best laid plans do not always work out, as has been evidenced by my whole life thus far. Looking to the future has constantly let me down and caused me more heartache then I care to think about. And as I sit here writing this, I wonder why? Why have I done this to myself? God has placed me where I am at this very moment and for His purpose. I should trust that but my head cries out that I shouldn't. That I should worry and fret about every little thing. I so desperately want to let go of these feelings, to trust that God has a plan and everything will come to frutition. Our June 23, 2o12 wedding date is one of the things that scares me most even though I feel in my heart it is right. The economy should not dictate my life. I want to marry the man I love and start a family and don't want to wait around for things to be perfect to do that. And yet it costs money to have a wedding, not that I want anything all that lavish, but things add up. I know this wedding is in God's plans because I feel it when I pray about my anxiety, He tells me to continue forward with plans even though there are those that would say I am crazy.

I know that I am beginning to rant and ramble and that is probably a sign I should stop writing lol. These are just a few things that have been on my mind for a few days now and I felt I should let them out. Even if just for me........

Lonely Nights

I have become so used to coming home to Matt that it feels weird for it to be the other way around. I should try to sleep but not sure I will be able to. Matt already texted saying he may have to work past 1 so I am sure I will fall asleep at some point. Work is getting to the point of ridiculousness and I really need to focus more on finding a new job so that I don't have to deal with their stupid politics. I kind of fell into a comfort zone knowing Matt was starting a job but recent events have jolted me out of that, along with looming student loan payments to make.

Wedding planning has also come to sort of a standstill. The date is set, June 23, 2o12 and we have the chapel reserved but waiting on reserving the hall for money reasons. Wedding dress shopping is fun but I just get overwhelmed too easily I think, so much to consider and there are so many options. Haven't had that "this is the one" moment I hear so much about but there are some dresses I feel very special in lol.

Well I suppose I should try and sleep, getting sleepy writing this and feel like I am kind of rambling......miss being cuddled as I fall asleep for sure :(

Where I Am Today

It has been over three years since I last wrote in this blog and so much has changed in my life. I started this blog while in college to have a place to vent and write but ended up not having enough time for it. Now I can't help but feel that I have too much time on my hands for this stage in my life.
I graduated college in May and here I am still working a part time job at basically minimum wage. There are days I feel like a failure and days I feel I am doing the best I can in an economy that is kind to almost no one. I want to hold on to hope every second of every day but it is so hard. My fiance and I currently live with my parents and it is definitely a strain on our relationship but we have no choice. He just started a job so hopefully soon things will start to turn around. My last two checks were just enough to pay bills that were due which I look at as a blessing but still, it hurts. Without the support of my fiance and my friends, I don't know that I wouldn't slip right back into the depression that engulfed my life two years ago.
There have been times in my life that were a struggle I thought would never end and as I continue to write this blog, I may share more about the things that have shaped me into the woman I am today. I hold fast to faith, family, friends and the love of my life to overcome and move through things that at one time would have broken me in two.
Time marches on and we must move with it, letting go is one of the hardest lessons I had to learn in my struggles and still must continue to learn. I know this is a lot of rambling but that is how my life is these days, a jumble.

More to come

My New Beginning

This year is the start of something for me. Though I am not sure what at this point. I have left behind the shell of myself and now want to start anew. I am trying to leave behind relationships that are holding me back from everything I can and will be. I want to do so many things that have yet to even be started. There are moments in life when it feels as if cool fresh water has washed over you and made you new. I had one of those. But now I am in transition and scared and lonely. I don't know who to talk to about these feelings because it is difficult to understand. I don't feel bad exactly just different, like a new born learning to walk in an unfamiliar world. I hope the changes to come will mean something and help me see myself as I deserve.
This blog is my fresh beginning. Where I will document this new life and its challenges.