I'm not even sure where to begin. Today was a tough day, I have never struggled on Mother's Day like I did today. Though to be honest, for the past few weeks especially, I have been struggling through most days. Waking up when the kids wake up means I rush around to get them changed, get breakfast (mostly composed of crackers or dry cereal), sit them in the living room in front of cartoons then grab something for myself to eat and join them. Then I just sit there with them, playing on my phone, cuddling with them until about lunch time. Occasionally I start a load of dishes or laundry, but for the past week, dirty laundry carpeted our bathroom and bedroom and baskets (like 5-6) full of clean laundry sat in the living room to be rummaged through when necessary. If I have to work I get the kids around, get dressed and get out the door. I come home and the kids are in bed and I sit and stare at screens some more, eat something (after only eating crap all day i.e. pop, chips, candy....etc), and eventually drift off to sleep on the couch then head to bed. If I don't have to work, most afternoons typically resemble the morning. 

I have climbed into the dark cave and made myself comfortable there. Even though my head keeps trying to tell me this is not a life well lived, this is not contentment and peace but just plain laziness. I want so much to be different changed. And again I know that action will lead to that peace and contentment I have longed to feel for so long but I'm terrified. Terrified that even if I try to change it won't work out, I will fail because that is what I do. I quit my decent paying full time job for a crappy paying part time one and now we are in debt to our eyeballs and struggling to make ends meet. Like really struggling, where we had to borrow money from my parents to buy groceries last week. I feel like our checking has overdrafted at least once every month since we moved into our house sometimes more than once. Our credit cards are maxed out. We are drowning. I interviewed for a full time job and am terrified that I messed that interview up as well. My stomach hurts just writing this. It brings so much stress and anxiety. 

Our marriage is going down that twisty path to trouble again as well. We yell almost every day about something and fight about money and the kids constantly. We left the grocery store without groceries last night because I said we couldn't afford to buy the pop on sale, I couldn't handle it. I walked out, we didn't speak last night and have barely spoken today. He informed my family today that I let the kids walk all over me. That one really hurt. I don't even know how I am supposed to respond to that.

Today, on Mother's Day I got up early, went to work, made 2 trips to the store, changed multiple poopy diapers(because my 3 year old refuses to use a potty, just another fail on the list), did dishes, took out the trash, and did not receive any recognition of the day from my husband. NOTHING. All because of pop. All because we bought this stupid house and I had to go to stupid college (and get into debt up to my eyeballs) and waste my degree working at a drug store because I thought somehow it would make me a better mom. And the funny thing is, I think I am a worse mom now. I just want the kids to leave me alone most of the time, I'm angry constantly, completely impatient and irrational, and I just let it happen. I just watch the world go by as I sit here. 

My best friend had her beautiful daughter yesterday, her second miracle baby after struggling with infertility, and I am just so overjoyed for her and her family but also a little jealous. I know she is in this blissful bubble full of newborn snuggles and overwhelming joy and I am stuck in this dark place that I have made my home. I keep praying and worshiping God, trying to get out but I just can't except in brief moments. I feel so alone.

I have wanted for so long to take to my keyboard and let the emotions run out of me. But as usual, I push it down and make watching TV, playing on my phone or sleeping the priority. My ways of escape, of not dealing with all the flying crap going on right now. I broke for a moment over the weekend, let the tears flow but what good are my tears? My tears can't bring my Grandma back from losing it (dementia, Alzheimers, no nailed down diagnosis at this point). She now resides in a nursing home, her worst fear I am sure. She is angry and confused and no matter how many times it is explained, she forgets. I want to be there. I want to sit and cry and be angry with her. That is not really an option at this point, as we prepare to welcome our second child and deal with my sister being engaged to a man in jail who has no regard for anyone but himself. I don't know how to deal. I have always, always struggled to deal with the hard stuff. I always make bad choices and make it about me. I am old enough now to know better. Yet I find myself eating and being lazy to deal with the stress and sadness. Sulking. I just want the days to stop blurring together. To feel like one thing is in my control.

Tough Day

Today was a tough day. I had to drop Logan off at daycare and go to work. Which is just like most every other Thursday except it wasn't just another Thursday. Logan turned 1. One year ago I gave birth to our son, It is currently 8:37 PM, one year ago at this time they were closing me up and checking Logan over. I was still pretty much in disbelief. Now one year later I am sitting on the couch, checking my email, writing this and listening to Logan's music play as he sleeps. My heart hurt for most of the day. I just wanted to be with my bubba. I just wanted to see the cute way his nose crunches up when he is really excited and happy about something. I wanted to hear him babble in the back seat in the car. I wanted to kiss his head and smell that baby smell that makes me melt and disappears a little each day. I have been struggling lately in a lot of ways. Mostly just feeling down in general. Maybe it is the cooler weather, maybe it is that I really dread going to work both because I don't really like my job and I just want to be home and explore with Logan. Maybe I am just struggling with next steps. Struggling with loneliness. Just riding the struggle bus (the first world one anyway).

Mom guilt pervades my life. I think for me working full time is what really gets me. I never thought that would be me. And some days it isn't, some days I do need my space but on the other days I just can't wait to pick Logan up and get home and be with him and Matt. It isn't like we do anything special, it is just where I want to be. Tonight I fought the urge to bring Logan into our bed and cuddle him as he fell asleep (which we used to do pretty consistently). I just wanted to watch him sleep, something about the sight of his sweet little face when he sleeps gets me every single time. Such a peace comes over me. I just want that all the time. I want that kind of peace.

My Struggle as a New Mom

The last 6 months have in retrospect kind of flown by and are already starting to blur. The late nights, the lack of showers, clothes covered in spit up and drool, the (sometimes seemingly endless) crying, and the disaster of a house. Some of these things still remain, mainly the messy house. But I experienced all of this with a heaviness unexplained in my heart and a cloud over my head. The cloud still hovers. I struggled and continue to struggle with postpartum depression. Those two ugly words no mom wants to face. The shame and the guilt of knowing I have this little blessing in my life and all I can feel some days is anger, sadness and loneliness makes me feel like a terrible person all around. In all reality I have never really felt so alone, I thought I was joining a club but for me that isn't how it has felt. I feel alone and broken and never good enough for anyone. I feel inadequate as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I have felt no room to let people in, I feel filled up with emptiness.

The days all blur together. The first 3 months were especially hazy. I thought it was just mommy blues but they didn't go away like I thought they would. I had more help than I could of ever asked for and yet I was failing. I fell into the deep pit telling me I was worthless and useless and would never be good enough. I still have moments where I feel that especially in my marriage. Matt has had an especially hard time coping with my emotions and understanding that I don't want to feel this way. He tries to help but often times I lash out because of the way he approaches me. I desperately want to feel something again. And when Logan giggles or smiles at me after a long day at work I do feel something. I feel that love that everyone talks about, that overwhelming, all consuming love for another human being. But in the moments,the hard moments, I feel like a total failure and just turn inward.

Our son didn't even get a visit from the Easter bunny on his very first Easter. I was too overwhelmed to even decide what to buy him. Thursday night after a visit to urgent care we went to Walgreens to get a prescription and that was really when it hit me that I didn't buy Logan anything for Easter, no special outfit, no new toys, nothing. I broke down Saturday night and Matt said that we could still go get him something but I had already failed in my mind so it was pointless. Then Easter morning when we stopped at my parent's on our way to Easter dinner with my in-laws my mom asked me what the Easter bunny brought Logan and I said nothing. She looked at me and said "Nothing?" and I said "No, nothing." She looked at me with this look that cut through my heart, I knew in that moment my mom was disappointed for Logan. And I still pretty much felt numb. That is also the moment that I knew I wasn't better like I thought I was.

I want to talk to someone, a counselor, but even finding time for that brings about more anxiety. I know I need it to be a better mom and wife. I am drowning. That is the only way I can describe it. I ask God daily to give me the strength to keep going, to do the best I can for Logan because no matter how I feel, Logan needs his mommy. He 100% depends on me to take care of him and keep him safe and that is one of the only things that gets me through some days. I wasn't prepared for this, I was prepared to be head over heels for our little guy not feeling a nagging resentment every time he wakes me up in the night or I can't figure out what's wrong.

In short this is not what I signed up for.

2015 Goals Update #3

So I just spent an hour or so totally overhauling my goals for the year (slow day at work lol). I changed the categories but kept the general goals mostly the same though there have been minor tweaks. I hope to putting more of my progress on the main goal page as well. I am going to update for March in the other format but next month I will be changing it. I didn't accomplish much in March, had some bad days/stretches with postpartum depression and mostly felt overwhelmed all month.We did get in our monthly date and made some progress on the credit card pay off. 

March Goals

Health (didn't touch these)

• Do Biggest Loser DVD at least once
• try at least one healthy recipe
• Figure out best way to track water intake.
• Start counting calories

Spirit (didn't make any goals)

• 
  

Marriage (one out of three lol)

• Go on a date with Matt in March
• Pick the two marriage books I want to read 
• Book a room for our anniversary
• Start having financial meetings (ongoing)

Parenting

• Read to Logan 3 times a week (ongoing) (didn't do too great this month)
• Spend 30 minutes everyday with Logan, no distractions (ongoing)

Talent

• Side income
• January: $90
• February: $100.09
• March: $91

Friends

• Make an effort to get together with a friend once a week (ongoing)

Financial

• Pay off Meijer Credit Card  Pay off credit card debt. (We ended up transferring the balance to another credit card I have because they had a promotion going on with super low interest.) Also used a good chunk of our tax return to pay down the balance. 
• Make extra deposit into emergency savings.
• Save money each month for Christmas (ongoing, will update progress each month)
• January Saved $26.10
• February-Saved $0
• March-Saved $0
• Create categories for targeted, short term savings goals in YNAB
• Start tithing

Organization

• Do some organizing and purging each month. (I will update what I accomplished each month here)
• Home (didn't touch these)
• Go through clothes in closet
• Organize hair styling products and accessories in bathroom
• Virtual (made some progress still not as clean as I would like)
• Finish cleaning up email
• Get planners organized for the year (did decide on 4 planners: general for appointments and such, financial, medical and home and got the financial one pretty well organized)
• Establish daily, weekly and monthly routines
• Create to do lists for each day in regards to routine

Misc

• Write at least once a week (52 times) 5/52
• January (3)
• February (1)
• March (1) (Started a post I haven't finished)
• Read a total of 24 books (ongoing) 2/24
• February: 1
• March: 1

Now onto the goals for this month even though we are half way through, I have accomplished a couple things that I will put on the list but save what I actually accomplished for the next update. These are going to line up with my new categories so check out the 2015 goals post if further clarification is needed.

April Goals

Personal Goals
Reading

Read devotional once a week

Pick marriage book to start in May

Pick next parenting book to read

Health

Try the biggest loser dvd

Try a healthy recipe

Start tracking water intake by the end of the month

Stop eating an hour before bed by end of month

Faith

Go to church at least once

Make a plan to increase tithing

Work

Check resume to see what needs to be updated

General

Make some sort of side income

Create a printable

Write at least once a week (ongoing)

Type up nightly routine and post on fridge

Home Life Goals

Marriage Goals

Go on a date at least once a month (4/12) (ongoing)

Finally book that weekend for our anniversary

Start having financial meetings consistently (ongoing)

Parenting Goals

Read to Logan 3 times a week consistently (ongoing)

Spend 30 minutes everyday with Logan, no distractions (ongoing)

Transition Logan to crib

Organization Goals

Clean out clothes in closet

Finish cleaning up email

Choose general appointment planner and purchase

Finish up financial planner set up

Decide what all to include in home planner

Set up medical binder

Financial Goals

Make large payment towards credit card

Set up additional transfers to emergency fund

Get life insurance quotes

Set aside money in Christmas account

Decide on what we really want to save for

Social Life Goals

Send a weekly text message to closest friends

Dinner with friends

Visit friends having new baby

So there you have it, halfway through the month and I have made goals for the month lol. Feels like my whole life lately. Still trying to find a sort of groove for this whole working mom thing and think I am going to get in contact with a counselor/therapist for the post partum depression. Thought I was doing better but the stretches of really tough days have gone back up. Will try to get the post I started about this up this month.

Goals Update #2

I know that my writing goals are definitely not going as well as I had hoped, as this is my first post since I updated on goals progress last time. And I believe I only wrote in my actual journal once. I did accomplish a couple things this month but not near as much as I would like to, which seems to be a pattern in my life this month. This past weekend I started having a difficult time emotionally again. When I think I am adjusted and things are going well I get slammed with this general feeling of being overwhelmed out of nowhere. I think I need to talk to someone but I will detail more on this later. Prayers appreciated. 

Key:
February Goals
March Goals

Health

• Do Biggest Loser DVD at least once (gotta start somewhere right? And this month it did not happen)
• Gather 5 healthy recipes to try, try at least one (didn't try one but I have them in hand now lol)
• Baked Spaghetti Squash and Cheese
• Zucchini Lasagna
• Slow Cooker Pepperoni and Chicken
• Skinny 3-Cheese Penne
• Lemon Crock Pot Chicken
• Figure out best way to track water intake. (didn't touch this either)
• Start counting calories (thought about it multiple times but didn't happen)

Spirit

• Start devotional again that I started last year
• Go to church at least one Sunday this month

This category was a win but I need more.

Marriage

• Go on a date with Matt in February Valentine's day <3
• Pick the two books I want to read (rolling into March)
• Book a room for our anniversary (rolling into March)
• Start having financial meetings (sort of happened, we talked about money but not in exactly the format I want to)

Parenting

• Read to Logan 3 times a week (ongoing)
• Read one parenting book (currently trying to finish one I started in October) Finished on the 27th, just under the wire
• Spend 30 minutes everyday with Logan, no distractions (ongoing, feel like I am doing better with this for sure)
• Transition Logan to his crib Success so far, another one just under the wire as we started putting him in there on the 27th.

Talent

• Make at least $90 in side income in February. Success! $100.09

Friends

• Make an effort to get together with a friend once a week (ongoing)

Financial

• Pay off Meijer Credit Card (ongoing)
• Make extra deposit into emergency savings.
• Save money each month for Christmas (ongoing, will update progress each month)
• January Saved $26.10
• February-Saved $0
• Create categories for targeted, short term savings goals in YNAB (rolling into March)
• Call internet provider about lowering bill. Success! Lowered it by $20, hoping to be able to get a modem of our own so we can save another $8 as well.
• Also lowered Verizon bill :-)
• Start tithing -Gave $12 to our church on top of our normal donation to christian radio

• Do not accumulate new debt (ongoing)

Organization

• Organize and purge an area of our home every month (REVISED) Do some organizing and purging each month. (I will update what I accomplished each month here)
• Home (didn't touch these)
• Go through clothes in closet
• Organize hair styling products and accessories in bathroom
• Virtual
• Finish cleaning up email (really needed it, I have Gmail and my labels were getting out of control) (still need to finish this)
• Finish organizing Pinterest boards Ended up with 75 boards but it feels much easier to find what I am looking for now for sure.
• Get planner organized for the year - Decided I am splitting into at least 3 binders (planner, medical and financial). Found some etsy planners I like but haven't decided which one to buy yet and haven't gotten around to splitting everything up either.
• Establish daily, weekly and monthly routines
• Create to do lists for each day in regards to routine

Misc

• Write at least once a week (52 times between blog and regular journal) Will update this throughout the year as well.
• January (3/52, missed one week I believe)
• February (4/52)
• Read a total of 24 books (ongoing) 1/24
• February: 1/24

All in all feeling pretty chaotic still and wanting to find a better way to break things up and stay organized. My housekeeping skills were not great to begin with and now it has gotten more out of control. Blech need to refocus and find better balance........

2015 Goals Update #1

I didn't quite accomplish everything that I set out to in the month of January and I realized I didn't do the greatest job of lining up my monthly goals with my yearly goals ( especially in the organization department). This post includes my January goals underlined and any goals from 2014 that I felt could be incorporated italicized. I will put my February goals in bold. Also I took down the 101 Things to Do in 2014. This was more for my benefit, feeling scatterbrained and trying to consolidate things. I also decided to make Organization its own category as I found many things on my 2014 list and almost daily I am thinking of more things I can do to be organized. I was able to accomplish some things that weren't on my list and I will mention those as well. 

Health

• Exercise once a week by July
• Buy new exercise DVD  I bought a Biggest Loser walking DVD
• Do Biggest Loser DVD at least once (gotta start somewhere right?)
• Try healthy recipe once a month
• Find a healthy recipe to try I failed at this one and so I want to make up for it a bit
• Gather 5 healthy recipes to try, try at least one
• Drink half my body weight in water (This is more of an ongoing one and one that I didn't set a mini goal for January)
• Figure out best way to track water intake.
• Start counting calories

Work- Because I am wanting to concentrate on other things right now, I am not going to make specific monthly goals for this category just yet.

• Update resume
• Put feelers out for new job

Spirit

• Read one devotional
• Start devotional again that I started last year Another failure, I kept meaning to and it just got pushed to the bottom of the list and that makes me feel guilty so this will be my goal in February, hence it is underlined and bold
• Start going to church again (no progress made on this one either and no monthly goal was made for January)
• Go to church at least one Sunday this month

Marriage

• Go on a date once a month
• Go on a date with Matt in January Just got this in under the wire on the last day of the month :) 
• Go on a date with Matt in February
• Read 2 marriage books
• Pick the two books I want to read
• Get away for a weekend
• Look into booking a room for Valentines Day (another fail for me, since it is too late now we have decided we will do it around our anniversary so the new goal is: Book a room for our anniversary)
• Start having financial meetings (we planned to start this on Feb 1st but never got around to it, hopefully this weekend we will be able to find a chunk of time to do it)

Parenting

• Read to Logan 3 times a week (ongoing)
• Read 3 parenting books
• Read one parenting book (currently trying to finish one I started in October) (carrying this one over into February as well)
• Spend 30 minutes everyday with Logan, no distractions (ongoing, feel like I am doing better with this for sure)
• Transition Logan to his crib (made some progress moving things around in the nursery and starting to clean out crib as it has been being used as a storage space.) Hoping this month to get him in there finally.

Talent

• Explore side income opportunities
• Make some sort of side income in January Made $90, mostly selling items as I purge the house.
• Make at least $90 in side income in February.
• Look into taking classes (waiting to work on this one as well)

Friends As you can see, a few of my 2014 goals fit into this category.

• Make an effort to get together with a friend once a week (ongoing) (I remember making an effort at least 2 weeks of the month and I was able to visit with a couple of friends towards the end of the month. Kids definitely make things harder.)
• Have a girls night out or in
• Host a game night
• Write 10 notes to friends
• Host Turkey Day

Financial

• Pay off Meijer Credit Card (ongoing)
• Build emergency savings to certain amount
• Make extra deposit into emergency savings. (Another fail, money got tight towards the end of the month, going to make an effort again this month)
• Start saving for a down payment on a house (Will start this after credit card is paid off)
• Buy extra life insurance and start the process of creating a will
• Save money each month for Christmas (ongoing, will update progress each month)
• January Saved $26.10
• Create more short term, targeted savings goals
• Create categories in YNAB with what we want to save for exactly
• Attempt to lower regular, monthly bills- I was actually able to make a start on this, waiting to see how my phone bill actually turns out before I officially count it though. And I did call our internet provider and got the number for who I need to speak with about lowering bill just never got around to calling back. So this month, I will call internet provider about lowering bill.
• Start tithing
• Do not accumulate new debt

Organization

• Organize and purge an area of our home every month (REVISED) Do some organizing and purging each month. (I will update what I accomplished each month here)
• January- 
• Home: Cleaned out pantry and fridge, reorganized Logan's clothes, went through my clothes in drawers
• Virtual: Started organizing my Pinterest boards after being inspired by this blog post, tried out a new way to organize my email (signed up for unroll.me, which I highly recommend, great experience so far!)
• February
• Home 
• Go through clothes in closet
• Organize hair styling products and accessories in bathroom
• Virtual
• Finish cleaning up email (really needed it, I have Gmail and my labels were getting out of control)
• Finish organizing Pinterest boards
• Get planner organized for the year I think my planner may be a work in progress as the year goes on, I love that I was able to put my own together but starting to think having more than one may be the better way to go. Will update with any changes.
• Come up with a system to track kitchen inventory This was a goal from last year's list and I finally found and printed some printables to help me track freezer, fridge and pantry inventory. So far so good.
• Start meal planning This is one that was on my mind but I didn't write down, I started doing inventory and meal planning along with it. It has gone well so far, eating out far less than we were.
• Clean out email Another from last year, as mentioned above I actually started doing this in January, now am in the process of cleaning up old emails, will mark this off when that is done.
• Establish daily, weekly and monthly routines
• Create to do lists for each day in regards to routine and cleaning I wrote down my to do list for Sun-Thurs nights but never got around to creating my own printable like I wanted, again I think this needs to be more targeted.
• Create a cleaning schedule

Misc

• Write at least once a week (52 times between blog and regular journal) Will update this throughout the year as well.
• January (3/52, missed one week I believe)
• Read a total of 24 books (ongoing) 0/24

So looking at this, I feel it has gotten a little out of control lol. May try to find some inspiration from other blogs as to a better way to do goals update for next month. For now though, I have my goals for February and am excited to tackle them! I may end up doing a separate post about what I have achieved in regards to reorganizing and decluttering our home because this is an area I feel I strongly need to work on and obviously have a lot of goals in that area.